First try

So this is what it's like to have a blog...hmmm. I've never been very good at keeping a journal, but let's see how this goes.
I have a ton of stuff floating around in my head right now. Thus, the title.
I found out about a Fulbright on Friday of last week and the application is due next Thursday giving me a whopping 15 days to decide if it's something I want to try and to get everything done. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have so many other things to consider: work, Matt, my career, my topic, Matt, my family, my future, Matt, finding a house, Matt. I've gotten feedback both pro and con with nearly all of it encouraging me to give it a try. I mean, my fear is that if I don't at least apply, I'll never know and always wonder the horrid "what if?" which I never really want to have. So what's freaking me out. The fact that if I won, Matt and I could live in Ireland for a year, IRELAND!! It would be an amazing experience, I must say. The focus would be working with the "Traveller" community as well as the refugee/asylum seekers. I think it would be amazing and would really broader my therapeutic horizons as well as give me an amazing focus for a possible future dissertation. I'm still in that state of not knowing exactly what type of therapist I want to be when I "grow up." If I ever do grow up.
I love the people I work with now at the hospital, but the job here isn't a "sure thing," at least not yet. There could also be the possibility of waiting until Matt is done with his coursework and trying to apply for the year he would be writing. Seeing as I don't know his current topic, it could be a good thing. Unless, that is, he chooses a specific genre of music in the US, then that kills the chances of that.
Still weighing the pros and cons; making a list of what I want. My favorite advice I've gotten is to follow my heart, but my heart is confused, too. I want to be with Matt (wherever he is), but there is a part of me that aches to help people-not just the people in hospice, where I can see change, but to impact somebody's life for a very long time. That may sound greedy, but knowing that I could help someone to better another's life seems more rewarding to me. Maybe that's something I'm not seeing when I'm at hospice. Rather introspective...