The rest of this week was lovely. After deciding I would write more, I went to work refreshed and revived. Not sure why since I didn't sleep late or go to bed early, but hey, I'll take it in whatever form it comes. I was able to get all of my current tasks completed including some really hefty test creation for one of my awesome students. I got to meet with other PIs on our research team (thanks Dr G for taking me) and see some of the new directions are studies may be going. Yesterday, I created the sound files and got them all finished, combined and sent off. I've found some of these new studies (with cortical responses) to be fascinating. I'm still pondering the PhD...pondering. And each time I go through these meetings, I become inspired to ask more questions and find the answers. I hope our next grant application gets approved so we can actually answer them. Now I think I need to create about 2 or 3 IRB applications. IRB=bane of my existence.

Yesterday, I was doing my normal lunch break, panning through various news sources and found a story about a blogging mom. I read the article and was just intrigued. This woman eloquently shares her story about having a baby with Down Syndrome and how she instantly knew it the second she saw her. I looked through her blog. She named her Nella. Of course, my first thought is "how does she pronounce it?" because I think the munchkin's name has caught on. Anyway, I decided to look through some past blogs and I found her birth story. I read it and my heart just opened. It poured out the sorrow, the support, the joy, the grief as though it had been my own experience. I know that I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like, that instant when you see this precious little one you've been waiting for and realizing that she's perfect, but in a different way. To have to grieve the loss of the baby you thought you'd have for the one you're holding in your arms. Just...wow. The name of her blog is called Enjoying the Small Things a name she had before this experience. I've added her to my list of blogs to follow and look forward to reading her future posts.

Today was good. Work was slow. I had the chance to teach one of my new students a few things, some for the second (or third) time but it helps me think. Dinner tonight was soooo good. Munchkin and I went to Targ`et after work as I am on the hunt for an Easter Bonnet. Thus far, I have had no luck finding one for someone over 6 months but younger than 3 years. Ugh. Still, I look even though I know I will probably have to make one for her. Ooh, maybe I could check Etsy again...
Anyway, back to dinner. She and I got home at almost 6 o'clock so I plied her with honey-nut chex while I prepped the food for dinner. By the time Matt got home, I had put the butter in the pan and just turned it on. It hadn't even melted yet (yesssss). So he decided to take us out to dinner at a new restaurant. It's like Kobe (from home) and good. Oh, so good. We ordered teppanyaki scallops (me), orange roughy (Matt) and hibachi shrimp (munchkin). First, we got soup. I tried the clear, with happy memories of mushrooms and scallions floating in broth, and Matt ordered Miso. At least this way we would know which was better. We both shared with munchkin and she emphatically kept asking for "More, More." She liked mine until she tried Matt's Miso soup, then I was chopped liver. I have to admit, that stuff was oh-so delicious. My kid is definitely developing quite the pallet. Then we had salads. Some delicious mix between the ginger salad dressing and shrimp sauce topped the standard lettuce carrots and slice of cucumber and tomato. That really grabbed her attention and she ate a half piece of lettuce preferring the carrots and cucumber. Then our dinner arrived. I was nearly full, but it looked amazing. Let me say, the munchkin serving is enough for an adult, but she hit it hard. First, a giant scoop of rice, then veggies. She worked her way through zucchini, onions, carrots, broccoli and then she found the shrimp and never looked back. I think, given the chance, she would have eaten all of it (probably a 1/2 pound) and wouldn't think of touching the pieces I cut up for her. No, no. She had to have the whole piece to bite and tear herself. I think she ate at least 7 or 8 pieces. This kid is a diamond in the rough. She does not eat fish sticks. She does not eat breaded shrimp. Give her broiled, sauteed, even grilled and it's off the plate and into her mouth in nanoseconds. Give it to her breaded and fried and you'd think I was offering castor oil. No, thank you. So she ate half of the plate. Okay, Matt stole a few pieces but not many. You should have seen the look she gave him. Then they brought dessert what they called a Japanese yogurt. It tasted like a mix of melted lime sherbet, orange sherbet and something else. It was good. All 3 of us got one. Matt took a sip, but because he was stuffed passed on the rest. Neala had a straw in hers and, in true comic fashion, sucked the whole thing down in no time flat. Her eyes lit up when she saw she had another. This time, we let her try to drink it from the glass (it's a funky shot glass I think). This was almost as good but the temptation of the straw may have been too much and she got distracted. One the straw was broken, the drink was gone, complete with head tilted as far back as it can go, glass clinched in her teeth. So yes, we'll be going back again. It may not be soon since we're getting better about cooking "real" dinners every night, but this was a nice, welcome and delicious break. They even changed the TV to the sweet 16 for us. Now that's a classy place.

To return to writing

I have scrolled through some of my past entries and was surprised that the words I was reading were mine, in a positive way. Although I noticed a trend in some of my most recent posts...I sure like to whine a lot. I think most of it is just trying to get things off my chest and writing them down gets it out of my head and onto a screen where I can read it and finally begin to solve the problem. The other reason is also pretty realistic. I don't think anyone's reading this (besides me), so that makes it really easy and I don't feel like a Debbie Downer.
Having realized that negativity can beget negativity, I'm going to try to be more positive. Call it a delayed New Year's Resolution, if you will. Either way, I want to send out more positive vibes into the world and hope that they return to me.
Work has been my biggest source of stress. I think I'm letting it so that stops now. If I'm frustrated, I need to address the situation and make it better. If I can't, I need to find the one who can. I work hard but there are times I could work harder.
Family is good. Matt's working on his paper and getting closer to finishing by the day. He's applying for real jobs and I am so excited for him. I don't even care where he ends up, I just want him to find a job that makes him happy and fulfilled. I can make do and find something wonderful. You never know, I could end up starting a program for MT wherever he goes. Neala is getting bigger and doing so many amazing things. When she says "I love you" (which comes out as "Wuv U") my heart melts. She's amazing and I can't believe she's mine. I've reached that point where I want another munchkin. I know that I won't get the same type of time with Neala but I think she'd be an excellent big sister and I never want her to be alone. I also realize that our family isn't quite there yet, but the baby-admiration is there. I think it always will be regardless of how big our family is.
My favorite person to discuss is Gma-Hoof. At 92 1/2 she's still mentally strong, but her body is not cooperating with her mental strength. 2bit took her to the doctor yesterday and called me, on the edge of tears. Her kidneys are shutting down. So we immediately scheduled a visit for Neala and me to see her, hopefully before the end. When I talked to 2-ey tonight, she said it might be hard for me because Gma is having spells of nausea during the day. Her kidney function was actually worse than someone who has kidney failure. In short, it's bad. I just hope she can hold out for 3 weeks until we can get there so she can "see her baby."
So I'm baaaaack. I'm going to write more, get my thoughts out and enjoy life.

oh the fun

It's been...interesting...to be me in the last week or so. Granted, little has happened since my last post (November, I think). We've had the holidays and all the fun that entails plus snow, lots of snow. January was pretty neat. A friend of mine had a baby girl and I was lucky enough to be present for her birth. It was beautiful. All-in-all life has been pretty decent.
Last week and the week before were the doozie of doozies. I've been working on various projects for my job (some mine, some not mine) and got really irritated with a repeated mention regarding the amount of time a particular project was taking. Due to the fact that I had been sick and still managed to do work on it, I was just ever so slightly enraged with the responsible party's lack of attention and action. I managed to bounce my retort off of other people before sending to help me ground myself and assure it was, in fact, appropriate. The response from that person was apologetic but still a bit clueless. At least I got to share my frustration and get it off my chest.
Last week was, well, interesting. Not only was one of my coworkers summarily fired (apparently warranted and I helped clean up afterward), I had one of my patients make one of the most inappropriate statements I've ever heard (and I've worked in a psych unit or three). This cognitively-intact, adult, married male (in my mind and others) knew better. Allow me to set up the scenario:
We are testing in my team's new space. It's in a relatively quiet area, as it needs to be for sound-booth testing. Looking back, I was my normal, polite but conversational self. I did not make any statements that would be misconstrued, I don't believe I used any passive body language, nor did openly invite any dialogue that could lead anywhere unprofessional. All-in-all, a normal testing situation for me. I'm witty, polite but to the point for testing purposes. Between some rather lengthy and not-too-exciting tests, I offered the option of taking a break. Usually this means conversing a bit about the test completed and the ones to come, offering a break for the bathroom, water or coffee, and the like. As I was standing in the administration side of a sound booth, making notes in his folder, this man says "I'm sorry, but you're really turning me on right now" followed by "shoo...shoo." To say this was creepy would be a drastic understatement as my internal dialogue was rolling, "What? What did he just say? Did he really say that? He's between me and the door. Everyone I know in this area is currently gone. Do I feel physically threatened?" So after an extremely awkward silence I informed him we would not be completing one of the tests and we proceeded to begin testing. In hind sight, there are many things I should have said and I think had I been in therapist mode, I would have been more prepared. But this was not a therapy session. This was testing. Music testing. Typically, the therapist in me does not have to be present for cognitively-intact adults.
Rather than let it go completely, I emailed my HR rep to ask what the appropriate response would be. She was just as floored as I was and couldn't really offer me anything. So it wasn't that great, but at least someone else knew something was up in case...well, just in case. After we finished his test, I decided to try to pretend as though nothing had happened. "Perhaps he's embarrassed by what he said" I kept telling myself. Even now, I don't believe it. I at least had some of my therapist hat on and could redirect questions that he asked in a way that had nothing to do with me. Now I'm left with the decision of sending a letter letting him know his behavior was unacceptable or waiting a year until his next appointment to see if he tries something like this again. Of course, if I choose the latter, he will be tested by two members of my team (not one). It was just creepy. Oh the fun...