...add a dash of new adventures

...and my year is off! During my national conference in December, I was inspired by many of the music therapists I have known for several years. They're amazing men and women who are pushing the boundaries and sharing their knowledge with the world. So I decided to throw my hat into the ring, as well. Since I spend so much of my time in the world of research, I decided to see if there was a niche out there for me. *Poof* I have created a new website that will hopefully allow me to share my experiences and (limited) expertise with those who can benefit. And so "Notable Musique" is born. We'll see how long it lasts, but I have had so many ideas going through my mind for posts that I've got at least a few months worth of writing (and lots of drafts saved). This will still be my own, personal site for expression but I think it will be great to have another, more professional outlet. It will take care of some of that "Clutter" I've had building up.

Cluttered

It has been 3 weeks since the last episode and the level of relief I've experience is indescribable.

Perhaps because (or in spite of) this upheaval, I've noticed a significant shift in my own goal areas. I've been cluttered physically and mentally. I have been lacking the motivation to actually go above and/or beyond what is asked of me. The result? A cluttered life and mind. My desk at work is a prime example: piles of papers here; connected cords there; stacks of articles to read here; manuscript to work on there; and a huge list of future projects. It's all a mess. In addition, I was inspired during my music therapy conference to really do more. I met up with amazing women who are doing amazing things and are totally fulfilled in their lives and jobs. So I've decided to take that step, clean up everything, get it organized and Un-clutter. My bedroom is first, followed by my desk (but probably not a complete overhaul until next week) and then my website (which also means my mind). I've decided to take a step in a different direction and try to help others. My biggest fear is that I'll do something horrendously wrong, but my hope is that, if/when I do, someone will point it out to me and I'll learn something significant from it. I'm giving that a deadline of January as I start putting the pieces together. For now, the papers on my desk have moved from stacks to semi-organized piles, which will then be placed into their appropriate folders and containers from which they can be retrieved when needed or recycled.

I did it

I bit the bullet, put my backside in gear and did it.
I finally applied for a teaching job...at a university. Am I freaking out? You bet your sweet bippy I am, but I'm also cautiously optimistic and excited. I want to see what, if anything, will happen and, if there's feedback coming, what it is and what it means and how I can get better. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with them saying "no" because even if they do, I'm not going to be kicking myself for not trying, for not applying and for not seeing what could be.
The planner inside is the one doing the backflips and saying, "Are you really sure you want to do this? Too late now. You're in for it, girl" and the part of me that so wants to be like Matt, so laid back and relaxed and go-with-the-flow is telling her to shut up and sit down. I like it.
The past few weeks have been more than stressful (and that's an understatement). Any and every little thing could send me into a mental rage, or sad, or lonely. This actually makes me feel like I've taken back the reigns and I'm trying to make not just everyone else happy but ME happy. I've kind of forgotten what that's like, which makes me disappointed in myself. The realization, however, that I've taken back my "power" (as Mom puts it) gives me this inner confidence that I had forgotten was there. I've moved complacency out of the way and I'm back to me (or at least I hope I am) and maybe even a better me. And today? I'm proud of myself.
So I'm going to sit here and pat myself on the back. I know I don't do it enough.

The rest of this week was lovely. After deciding I would write more, I went to work refreshed and revived. Not sure why since I didn't sleep late or go to bed early, but hey, I'll take it in whatever form it comes. I was able to get all of my current tasks completed including some really hefty test creation for one of my awesome students. I got to meet with other PIs on our research team (thanks Dr G for taking me) and see some of the new directions are studies may be going. Yesterday, I created the sound files and got them all finished, combined and sent off. I've found some of these new studies (with cortical responses) to be fascinating. I'm still pondering the PhD...pondering. And each time I go through these meetings, I become inspired to ask more questions and find the answers. I hope our next grant application gets approved so we can actually answer them. Now I think I need to create about 2 or 3 IRB applications. IRB=bane of my existence.

Yesterday, I was doing my normal lunch break, panning through various news sources and found a story about a blogging mom. I read the article and was just intrigued. This woman eloquently shares her story about having a baby with Down Syndrome and how she instantly knew it the second she saw her. I looked through her blog. She named her Nella. Of course, my first thought is "how does she pronounce it?" because I think the munchkin's name has caught on. Anyway, I decided to look through some past blogs and I found her birth story. I read it and my heart just opened. It poured out the sorrow, the support, the joy, the grief as though it had been my own experience. I know that I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like, that instant when you see this precious little one you've been waiting for and realizing that she's perfect, but in a different way. To have to grieve the loss of the baby you thought you'd have for the one you're holding in your arms. Just...wow. The name of her blog is called Enjoying the Small Things a name she had before this experience. I've added her to my list of blogs to follow and look forward to reading her future posts.

Today was good. Work was slow. I had the chance to teach one of my new students a few things, some for the second (or third) time but it helps me think. Dinner tonight was soooo good. Munchkin and I went to Targ`et after work as I am on the hunt for an Easter Bonnet. Thus far, I have had no luck finding one for someone over 6 months but younger than 3 years. Ugh. Still, I look even though I know I will probably have to make one for her. Ooh, maybe I could check Etsy again...
Anyway, back to dinner. She and I got home at almost 6 o'clock so I plied her with honey-nut chex while I prepped the food for dinner. By the time Matt got home, I had put the butter in the pan and just turned it on. It hadn't even melted yet (yesssss). So he decided to take us out to dinner at a new restaurant. It's like Kobe (from home) and good. Oh, so good. We ordered teppanyaki scallops (me), orange roughy (Matt) and hibachi shrimp (munchkin). First, we got soup. I tried the clear, with happy memories of mushrooms and scallions floating in broth, and Matt ordered Miso. At least this way we would know which was better. We both shared with munchkin and she emphatically kept asking for "More, More." She liked mine until she tried Matt's Miso soup, then I was chopped liver. I have to admit, that stuff was oh-so delicious. My kid is definitely developing quite the pallet. Then we had salads. Some delicious mix between the ginger salad dressing and shrimp sauce topped the standard lettuce carrots and slice of cucumber and tomato. That really grabbed her attention and she ate a half piece of lettuce preferring the carrots and cucumber. Then our dinner arrived. I was nearly full, but it looked amazing. Let me say, the munchkin serving is enough for an adult, but she hit it hard. First, a giant scoop of rice, then veggies. She worked her way through zucchini, onions, carrots, broccoli and then she found the shrimp and never looked back. I think, given the chance, she would have eaten all of it (probably a 1/2 pound) and wouldn't think of touching the pieces I cut up for her. No, no. She had to have the whole piece to bite and tear herself. I think she ate at least 7 or 8 pieces. This kid is a diamond in the rough. She does not eat fish sticks. She does not eat breaded shrimp. Give her broiled, sauteed, even grilled and it's off the plate and into her mouth in nanoseconds. Give it to her breaded and fried and you'd think I was offering castor oil. No, thank you. So she ate half of the plate. Okay, Matt stole a few pieces but not many. You should have seen the look she gave him. Then they brought dessert what they called a Japanese yogurt. It tasted like a mix of melted lime sherbet, orange sherbet and something else. It was good. All 3 of us got one. Matt took a sip, but because he was stuffed passed on the rest. Neala had a straw in hers and, in true comic fashion, sucked the whole thing down in no time flat. Her eyes lit up when she saw she had another. This time, we let her try to drink it from the glass (it's a funky shot glass I think). This was almost as good but the temptation of the straw may have been too much and she got distracted. One the straw was broken, the drink was gone, complete with head tilted as far back as it can go, glass clinched in her teeth. So yes, we'll be going back again. It may not be soon since we're getting better about cooking "real" dinners every night, but this was a nice, welcome and delicious break. They even changed the TV to the sweet 16 for us. Now that's a classy place.

To return to writing

I have scrolled through some of my past entries and was surprised that the words I was reading were mine, in a positive way. Although I noticed a trend in some of my most recent posts...I sure like to whine a lot. I think most of it is just trying to get things off my chest and writing them down gets it out of my head and onto a screen where I can read it and finally begin to solve the problem. The other reason is also pretty realistic. I don't think anyone's reading this (besides me), so that makes it really easy and I don't feel like a Debbie Downer.
Having realized that negativity can beget negativity, I'm going to try to be more positive. Call it a delayed New Year's Resolution, if you will. Either way, I want to send out more positive vibes into the world and hope that they return to me.
Work has been my biggest source of stress. I think I'm letting it so that stops now. If I'm frustrated, I need to address the situation and make it better. If I can't, I need to find the one who can. I work hard but there are times I could work harder.
Family is good. Matt's working on his paper and getting closer to finishing by the day. He's applying for real jobs and I am so excited for him. I don't even care where he ends up, I just want him to find a job that makes him happy and fulfilled. I can make do and find something wonderful. You never know, I could end up starting a program for MT wherever he goes. Neala is getting bigger and doing so many amazing things. When she says "I love you" (which comes out as "Wuv U") my heart melts. She's amazing and I can't believe she's mine. I've reached that point where I want another munchkin. I know that I won't get the same type of time with Neala but I think she'd be an excellent big sister and I never want her to be alone. I also realize that our family isn't quite there yet, but the baby-admiration is there. I think it always will be regardless of how big our family is.
My favorite person to discuss is Gma-Hoof. At 92 1/2 she's still mentally strong, but her body is not cooperating with her mental strength. 2bit took her to the doctor yesterday and called me, on the edge of tears. Her kidneys are shutting down. So we immediately scheduled a visit for Neala and me to see her, hopefully before the end. When I talked to 2-ey tonight, she said it might be hard for me because Gma is having spells of nausea during the day. Her kidney function was actually worse than someone who has kidney failure. In short, it's bad. I just hope she can hold out for 3 weeks until we can get there so she can "see her baby."
So I'm baaaaack. I'm going to write more, get my thoughts out and enjoy life.

oh the fun

It's been...interesting...to be me in the last week or so. Granted, little has happened since my last post (November, I think). We've had the holidays and all the fun that entails plus snow, lots of snow. January was pretty neat. A friend of mine had a baby girl and I was lucky enough to be present for her birth. It was beautiful. All-in-all life has been pretty decent.
Last week and the week before were the doozie of doozies. I've been working on various projects for my job (some mine, some not mine) and got really irritated with a repeated mention regarding the amount of time a particular project was taking. Due to the fact that I had been sick and still managed to do work on it, I was just ever so slightly enraged with the responsible party's lack of attention and action. I managed to bounce my retort off of other people before sending to help me ground myself and assure it was, in fact, appropriate. The response from that person was apologetic but still a bit clueless. At least I got to share my frustration and get it off my chest.
Last week was, well, interesting. Not only was one of my coworkers summarily fired (apparently warranted and I helped clean up afterward), I had one of my patients make one of the most inappropriate statements I've ever heard (and I've worked in a psych unit or three). This cognitively-intact, adult, married male (in my mind and others) knew better. Allow me to set up the scenario:
We are testing in my team's new space. It's in a relatively quiet area, as it needs to be for sound-booth testing. Looking back, I was my normal, polite but conversational self. I did not make any statements that would be misconstrued, I don't believe I used any passive body language, nor did openly invite any dialogue that could lead anywhere unprofessional. All-in-all, a normal testing situation for me. I'm witty, polite but to the point for testing purposes. Between some rather lengthy and not-too-exciting tests, I offered the option of taking a break. Usually this means conversing a bit about the test completed and the ones to come, offering a break for the bathroom, water or coffee, and the like. As I was standing in the administration side of a sound booth, making notes in his folder, this man says "I'm sorry, but you're really turning me on right now" followed by "shoo...shoo." To say this was creepy would be a drastic understatement as my internal dialogue was rolling, "What? What did he just say? Did he really say that? He's between me and the door. Everyone I know in this area is currently gone. Do I feel physically threatened?" So after an extremely awkward silence I informed him we would not be completing one of the tests and we proceeded to begin testing. In hind sight, there are many things I should have said and I think had I been in therapist mode, I would have been more prepared. But this was not a therapy session. This was testing. Music testing. Typically, the therapist in me does not have to be present for cognitively-intact adults.
Rather than let it go completely, I emailed my HR rep to ask what the appropriate response would be. She was just as floored as I was and couldn't really offer me anything. So it wasn't that great, but at least someone else knew something was up in case...well, just in case. After we finished his test, I decided to try to pretend as though nothing had happened. "Perhaps he's embarrassed by what he said" I kept telling myself. Even now, I don't believe it. I at least had some of my therapist hat on and could redirect questions that he asked in a way that had nothing to do with me. Now I'm left with the decision of sending a letter letting him know his behavior was unacceptable or waiting a year until his next appointment to see if he tries something like this again. Of course, if I choose the latter, he will be tested by two members of my team (not one). It was just creepy. Oh the fun...

I need to unload

I don't know what's going on, but the last month has been filled with more frustrations and irritations than I can even begin to share.
The family came for Easter. All the Grandparents played well together. Dad and I had to have a heart-to-heart with 2Bit as the Mediator. Seriously. The man is almost 60 and has the communication skills of a 10-year-old. So we got that worked out, at least for now.
Work has been another. There are so many different things going on and it's just reaching a point of wanting to scream (I'm also thinking about getting a punching bag...again). Some of it is just that I'm tired of the being the "flexible" team; the ones who can adjust our time, location, even the tests we give to accommodate others and never expect anything in return. That has now begun to bite me in the backside. Because we're so "flexible" and because KG is willing to take whatever scraps we're given, we're totally getting the shaft. And by that I mean, we're having to schedule patients over our lunch hour so we can get the data. Granted some of my RAs work over lunch so it's not a big deal, but it's the days where I am the only one and have to miss lunch with my baby so that this can happen. It's not the scheduler's fault. She's doing everything she can to find ways around that. It's just that we don't have the space. And today, when we were scheduled, it was decided that we weren't going to get the space we had been given. Why? Because it was easier for someone else. Were we asked if we'd be willing to switch? No. We weren't given any courtesy. We were expected to be "flexible."
Then there's my Biostats class. It's a good class. By why on God's green earth would you give a Graduate level class a group project. I haven't had one since my freshman year. That one didn't work our well because I did 80% of the work for a group of 5. Now there are 3 of us and, while I know each is putting in the effort, I feel like a dog chasing its tail sometimes. One of my group members is much more abstract and keeps trying to add creativity to a cut and dry project. So we spent 8 hours on Saturday banging our heads against a wall when we'd found the first step 30 minutes into our meeting.
Yesterday, Matt and I had a doozie of a fight. I needed him to pick up baby from school/daycare. I sent him an email (shortly after he'd written me), sent him a text--no response from either. Then at 3 I get an email from school that she was sick. I tried to call--no answer. Then sent another text that said "Nevermind" regarding his picking her up. Then I sit in the tx room for 30 minutes waiting on the doctor to come in and tell me, it's just diarrhea and nothing more (except, "yeah, that is a viral rash."). By this time it's almost 5. I was supposed to meet with my group at 4:30. At this point, I have 3 texts from Matt (no signal in the doc's office). Apparently, he went to daycare to pick her up. Then, when I didn't respond to his texts he went home...and waited. Then had the nerve to get mad at me for not calling him from the phone in the tx room. Yeah, cause I think he's gonna answer, right?
Anyway, it's just been like this for too long. Maybe it'll get better when classes end on the 15th. Maybe it'll all work out. Maybe we'll get these 4 papers done we've been working on and lighten the load. Maybe I'll get my other project started and finish the not-my-project project. In the mean time, it's really hard to do my job like I want.
Ugh...

To PhD or not to PhD...

This semester I decided to take one class. My intial reasoning was that it would benefit my job and increase my abilities to do what I currently do. It's a biostatistics class, so it can essentially help me to do my own analyses rather than relying on our current (and very capable) Biostatistician. The second reason, which came later, was my desire to tip my toe back into the world of academia and see whether I think PhD is feasible and something I want. I think it is, I really do. If so, do I want to do it now or do I want to wait? And if I want to wait, how long is too long?
The two ladies that I study with are both in the doctoral program; one in nursing and one in Speech and Hearing Science. Last night as we studied for our first exam and this morning as we recovered from it, they encouraged me to go for my degree. I'm just not sure if I should start it here or if I should wait to see where Matt ends up. I started looking at Johns Hopkins and Maryland in case Matt wins the Pershing's Own position. So I guess, I do want the degree, I just need to go for it. Anyone want to push?

Peace at alpha=.0001

So now...

I've had a lot of things going on in my mind. With Matt's recent trip to DC for the Air Force Band audition, I prepared myself to move and start yet another chapter of our lives. Since that didn't work, I feel like I'm rewinding a little and trying to figure out when and if we'll be making plans like that again. He wants to put all of his energy into his recital and get that out of the way and then go from there. In the mean time, my future has been on my mind a lot. I'm not sure what I'll be doing next, but I think that I'd really like to teach. In fact, when I saw a job opening last week in LA, I didn't just skim over the requirements and press delete, I actually read it and have given it some serious thought. My only personal limitations are that I don't think I've had enough teaching experience. The only problem is, I don't really have any avenue for gaining that experience and thus begins my internal dialogue. I'm still trying to figure out the whole PhD thing: what I want to do and if I want to go through with it. I think taking this class this semester will help me have a better idea of whether this is something I want to persue now or wait a while longer. With Matt not knowing what he's going to do or where he's going to do it, I feel like I should continue to think it through.

oh my, to catch up...

So many things have happened and I have so much to share...
I am now up to week 33, which is pretty darn good and, yes, I'm getting big. As the floating baby (which totally freaks Megs out--teehee) shows, I have less than 50 days to go until the kiddo gets here and I keep getting bigger. This is probably one of the few times in my life in which I won't complain about an expanding waistline.

Two weeks ago, IC was hit with horrible, horrible rain and flooding. As a result, I spent that Monday moving musical instruments from the MT "closet" to the offices of Drs. A & G. The ironic part of it is that we were told it would most likely not be necessary to do only to be notified 3 days later that everything in the music building needed to be moved due to fear of 4.5 feet of water on the first floor, 4.5 FEET! So it was another time in my life that I'm glad I didn't listen to someone who was in charge because they would have been very wrong and it would have been a very expensive "learning experience" (as Dr A calls them). So we moved almost every single musical instrument out of that closet (except a few plastic things that would not be affected by water and could be cleaned with clorox) on a giant percussion cart, in about 5 loads via the freight elevator. We did sacrifice one guitar to the River Gods, but only because it was really broken and needed lots of work.

Thursday of that week I trekked down to Charleston, SC for a girls' weekend we had planned for months. The timing was just amazing. I left Thursday (they closed the interstate on Friday) and got to spend some great quality time with Bev and Amy. Friday we slept late, ate at IHOP, got massages and facials (oh, the happy memory), went on a Ghost Tour of the Charleston jail on Friday, the 13th mind you and ate yummy, yummy food. Saturday we went to see Sex and the City: The Movie. Though I never watched the show, I did enjoy the movie. Of course, it could have partly been the hormones, but I kinda wept through the second half of the movie. This is where the plans changed...

Instead of coming back to IC on Sunday and spending Saturday afternoon at the beach, I was stuck in the South for a bit longer. (Now, that's not such a bad thing and AirTran was super-fantastic about helping me get my tickets rearranged.) Because of the flooding, the interstate from the airport to IC was closed, which meant that I could either fly home on Sunday at my designated time and spend who knows how many days in a hotel until the road was opened or change my ticket. So after explaining the situation to the airline associate and stating I'd have to charter a boat to get home from the airport the same day as my arrival, my flight was changed to the following Saturday and I had to figure out what to do for the next 6 or so days. Luckily, Amy still lives in our hometown so after the movie, and a bit of shopping, we hopped in the car and headed to her in-laws home in Holden Beach to meet up with her cutie-patootie husband and little boy. We headed out of Holden at 3 a.m. for the drive home and 5 hours later rolled into town with a very unhappy 13-month old (he was ready to be out of the car). From there on, it was a week of quality time with Mom, Dad & Jo, Marc, Challen and Maddox, and other friends from home I have missed dearly.

Meanwhile, on the homefront, the flooding continuously got worse. My beloved IC and C'ville strip became a river, destroying many businesses that may not come back and university buildings that will needs months to be repaired. The pictures I was able to find online paled in comparison to the reality my friends back here were experiencing. I know that I will never truly understand how completely horrific it was because I was in NC and only had the "virtual" experience. In addition, my sweet, sweet Sydne tore her doggie ACL and had to have surgery to repair the damage, which sent pangs of guilt through my heart because I was so far away and unable, once again, to do anything.

This past Saturday, I finally got home. It has been surreal to see all the various businesses closed and muddied, to try to traverse the roads to work, to get everything else caught up, and take care of my husband and puppy. Syd-dog is slowly getting better. She has more energy, which means we have to encourage her to lay down and stay calm. Ice cream has been a good incentive. Dad and Jo are coming in for a baby shower this weekend so they'll get to see some of the remnants first-hand. It should be a good time especially when they haven't been here since 2006.

We also started our MT sessions with the kiddos at the Speech and Hearing Center today, which was fantastic! I love working with them and seeing all the progress they make over the course of 6 weeks working with us and the SLP students. It's a busy, busy time and I'm loving every minute.

Lots of breathing

Today required a lot of breathing, some to relax and some of relief, all to do with work.
With the end of the semester quickly approaching I have been working on everyone's schedules, including my own, trying to make sure everything is lined-out and ready to go. Planning for the summer has been interesting. With the smaller patient load this year, there have been fewer patients to test. Yet, as the summer approaches, many different programs always appear to pick up. Until this afternoon, we had one potential student who wanted to work and even then I wasn't sure that would work. Now we have two other potential students to work, both of whom will need to be trained on how to do everything on our team--for a month. The only real bonus for me is that one of them has completed all of her practical experience which will help in our summer kiddo program and planning. (deep breath)
Then there's the thorn in my side (but only for 5 more weeks). I simply don't know what to do. I feel like I'm doing so much for her that I don't want to help her anymore. But in the same respect, I want her done and gone. Now, with a month before she's really gone, nothing is done compared to what needs to be completed. And now she's expected to do nothing else at work, but try to accomplish the impossible, which means her duties will passed on to me. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have almost every hour of work time available for just that. (another deep breath).
A good thing is that we finally got our galley proofs, the ones that should have been here in December. The only problem is that, despite the fact they arrived, 5 months late, we have until Monday to go through them and get them returned. And I'm the one who gets to read through the galleys first to look for the errors all while doing other short-notice errands that must be done in 30 seconds.
But my breath of relaxation came from looking at my current vacation and sick time I've built up and realizing I have saved enough time to cover my leave in August. Talk about a sigh of relief.
Okay, enough fussing and whining...
BabyD is getting bigger, which means so am I. To quote Dr G, I'm "getting more pregnant every day" which is funny because I hope I am. :-)
That's all. Real update to come!

(insert witty title here)

So apparently, Spring does not want to come to the Midwest in any sort of speedy fashion. We got yet more snow last night with a little more predicted on Sunday (and freezing rain tomorrow morning, oh joy). As a result things in our house are pretty much the status quo. I have started to get more energy. I'm cleaning more often, which amazing Matt undoes in record time. I spent 2 hours at the mall on Sunday and didn't need a nap when I got home, which is a huge accomplishment (and a rather sad commentary on my current level of endurance). Of course, this morning, while in the shower, I felt the need to encourage the sweet hubby to purchase toilet wands because I obviously feel the need to clean the bathrooms this weekend, top to bottom.

On a funny note, one day this week one of the ladies I work with was chatting with me, when she made an excited statement about the fact that not only is my belly getting larger, but apparently my "endowment fund" has also increased (she actually said they had gotten huge). It made me a little self-conscious for the moment, but then when I looked at a picture Matt took of me last week, I think she might be right. I look like I'm just busting out all over, not that I mind. It's just a new development--no pun intended. Of course, Matt isn't going to complain. What man would?

We also got to hear bambino's heartbeat again this week. It was a "perfect" 159 according to our midwife. And, in my normal preparatory manner, I asked what to expect for our next visit and when I'd get to see the smiling face of the miniDrisc. So next visit, March 24, we get to have a sonagram to check out the development and see the bambino in black and white. What a fun time that will be!

Relaaaaxing

Now that all the presentations are done, the abstracts submitted, the house almost clean (well, it will be eventually), I am finally stress-free, back to my OCD on cross-stitch self. It's such a great feeling. I also got my ego boost from Dr G. The ego that was bruised so many weeks/months ago was now stroked for the hard work and dedication. I guess the next time I start to whine, I need to remember, the good part will come, too...eventually.
Happy thoughts all the way around--

Holy Halloween, Batman!

Batman's probably the only character that didn't knock on our door tonight (except I live with him so no problem), but I did have Nemo, Squirt, Jeff Gordon and Dog the Bounty Hunter. There's something to be said for the creativity in this neighborhood. :-) Poor Syd-dog did not get a good costume this year like 2 years ago, but I don't think she minded too much.
And I am definitely glad that the day is winding down. I went through a roller coaster ride of cortisol today. I had a presentation to give to at The Nest to prenatal and postnatal mothers (and fathers) and was given the age range of 15-30 for the parents. Yesterday, LJ was really helpful as I pulled the curtains away from my eyes and talked to people I knew were moms, including my own mom (duh! Why didn't I do that a month ago?!). Work also had a few additional stresses, with the deadline for the call for papers looming over our heads (it's tomorrow). We have 5 studies to submit and don't have all of our analyses completed, including mine, and no time to collaborate to make sure my submission is coherent. But, hey, as long as my p-values are less than .0001, I'm golden. We also have fewer patients right now and amazingly all of our current projects are up to date with a few new ones started. The databases have been scoured for inaccuracies and corrected and I am literally creating tasks and asking team members for questions they have in search of new projects.
Matt & Syd-dog's bdays are Friday, his parents are coming into town Friday night and his recital is Monday night. While I realize that sounds stressing, I'm actually excited for it and I think I represented Music Therapy pretty well today, which also relaxed the heck out of me.
On the NC Homefront, my sweet Sis-in-law (i.e. Preggers) is now in her 37th week and 1-1/2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Something tells me I might not have to drive home while in Louisville (week before Turkey-day) because Maddox will already be here. Otherwise, I will be making a trip during conference to home to meet my nephew.
Lots of excitement, lots of fun.

Just blah

Talk about a 180 from yesterday. Today I am experiencing a combination of many emotions: happiness, frustration, anxiety, apathy, sadness to name a few.
Yesterday, one of my coworkers had a beautiful little girl. We anxiously watched their blog all day as they posted various progressions (and non-progressions) throughout the labor. It was wonderful and I was so excited for them. Their little girl arrived at almost 8 p.m. and I was so elated for their new, beautiful, health addition to their family. But almost as quickly as I celebrated for them, I felt a huge sadness come over me (with a bit of pre-emtpive jealousy). While I am so very happy for these 2 amazing people, I ache to have a little one of my own and it's not just the "oh, I 'd like to have a baby one day" kind of feeling. It almost feels like a need to have one. I don't think my life will be any more "complete" perse, I just have an innate feeling to be a mother, to have a little one. And, as more and more of my friends have children and I watch them together, I feel such an emptiness that I can't completely explain.
Work has been a bit frustrating, too, but in a different way than I'm used to experiencing. I'm starting to get more of the beaureaucratic stuff, I loathe. I'm always one who is willing to bend, willing to adapt to help others. But with one of our new projects, we're delving into new territory and I have begun to feel as though some others see my research as inferior. I have actually been involved in a conversation where someone teetered on the edge of the phrase "my research is more important," but it was quickly averted. Right now, I'm just blah and no matter how much I pull on my bootstraps, they just keep stretching...

Submitted, baby!

I have finally submitted my first manuscript for publication or at least for review (for now. It will be published). The undertaking was a bit more detailed than I remembered, but that is probably because the last submission wasn't mine. For my paper I found something that was wrong 5+ times before I hit submit without fear in my heart. So, to celebrate I took a cake into work. Actually, I got Matt to bring one for me. It was sooo good, but it got everyone wondering what I'm going to do once it's actually published. I'll have to think about that one as I work on paper #2. Soon I'll be able to honestly say that I've been published and not just in college newspapers as responses to editorials and the like, but in a peer reviewed journal that professionals will read (or at least have in a bookcase in their office).
Hope you have something worth smiling about, too!

Yeah, Friday

I am so glad today is Friday, I could sing it from the rooftops. This week has been good and challenging and busy. I had a moment of pouting yesterday (internally, of course) when my ego was bruised, but I've moved on and gotten over myself. Today, I rebounded with lots of productivity; I finished writing a new computer program for our research team, tested a few people for one of our newer studies (yeah for "normals"), and got everything together for me to be gone. I've decided that I am tired of waiting for feedback that will never come and am going to submit my first article and begin my second one.
Tomorrow I head out to Hky to "take care" of Mom. Turns out she has some plans for me that include keeping her cigar business in order (Matt has already given me orders of what to bring home for him), having a pizza party with her buddy, Joan, and taking her to the doctor. I plan on having a little talk with her doc about prescribing ototoxic meds for her, which, even in small doses, caused some tinnitus. Wanna be how long it takes me to ask him to request an audiogram?
I also started an online course on PHP and SQL on Wednesday, which I am excited to use to turn my Master's project into a more functional, user-friendly version for our patients. I'm in a class full of programmers, tech support people, and web designers. Yeah, I'm the outsider, but I'm excited to have such a large resource from which to draw. It's a wonderful day and I can't complain; I won't complain.
I hope your day is just as good!
Happy Weekend!

And so it begins, without me

Monday is going to be strange for me. This will officially be the first time Fall classes have started at the University and I will not be participating. January didn't feel like this. Maybe it's because I was still working on my paper and felt as though I was taking an independent study. Maybe it had something to do with the second semester; it didn't feel very different. Perhaps it's all been a transition; a slow transition from student to professional, from part-time to full-time. I don't know. All I do know is that my schedule will be the same every day, 7:30-4:30 but without homework, finals, or projects.

I don't think I'm going to miss taking classes, stressing over exams or trying to figure out different professors' ways of teaching, testing, etc. I don't think I'll miss it at all. I feel like it's time I step in a different direction at least for now. I'm still pondering the PhD or perhaps a Fulbright's in my future. My only challenge in remembering what day it is now that everyone's work schedule has changed. Eh, if that's all I have to stress about, I'm doing pretty darn good. :)

peace, love and no homework

Hey, you! Get out of my bubble!

I think I have a target on me this week. There must be something in the air that says, "Hey, I don't mind you invading my space. C'mon over!" It's not just one day; one day I can handle, but every single day this week (and it's only Wednesday). Monday and Tuesday's invasions were Cambus edition, as is usually the case when you put large quantities of people into a small, moving space. Yet, there are precautions I like to take to keep people out of my bubble, when possible. Monday morning was the worst, so far, with a trifecta of bubble invasion (physical, auditory and olfactory).
There is a woman who rides the bus to work every morning at the same time I do. Somehow she always manages to have her cell phone glued to her head. These conversations are usually regarding horses or tack. While I do my darndest to avoid listening, at that volume, it's hard to miss.
Anyway, back to Monday. It was another day of cell phone glue. With my luck, horselady was on my bus and ended up sitting right beside me. Actually, she sat on part of me and I moved. Then once we were both spacially separated (by an inch), she began bouncing her legs fevershly, shaking my seat. Of course, the cell phone conversation continued. But the third invasion of my bubble, and definitely the worst, is that she smelled like vomit and she was on her way to work. Ewwww. So as soon as that bus stopped, I bolted for the door and could still hear her talking 25 feet behind me.
Tuesday was another bus day. Only this one was partially my fault. I got on the bus that indicated it was going my way. What I failed to notice was that once I got on, the sign was changed and I ended up riding the nearly empty bus the entire opposite route until it looped back to its original position chocked full of International students. While I respect other cultures, the only thing I wish other cultures would respect about America is the use of deodorant on a regular basis. Worse yet, the guy who forced himself into the now very small space between me and another person, forced open his book to read in the now significantly smaller space, smelled of cigarettes. It wasn't recent smoke; no, it was the dingy I've smoked for 30 years scent.
Today's space did not take place on the bus, but in another small, cramped space--the elevator. After a super-fun lunch with BTK and Molly-fabulous, we hopped onto the elevator to head back to work. The next floor we hit caused an influx of about 8 very loud women, followed by a stop on a floor where housekeeping was waiting, but did not get on. One of the VL women made a comment about a lot of mops which resulted in, as BTK put it, a sonic boom of laughter from one particularly loud lady--twice. The next floor, a woman and what I perceived to be her husband carrying a flower. One of the VL ladies commented on the flower; I looked and may have made a polite smile because the man began talking to the other ladies, but reached up and touched my arm. Dude! Do not touch me uninvited! EVER!! Especially if you haven't known me for less than 15 seconds, if you don't know my name, and if I don't initiate any sort of interaction that would prompt you to touch me. NEVER! I freaked out (internally) and waited until we could make our exit. Once I got over the heeby-jeebies, 15 minutes later, rinsed my arms and hands with antibacterial goop, I moved on. But geez, people, stay out of my bubble!

In happy news, I get to hang out with wonderful people tonight for some excellent food (and beverages).

update for the week

It's been a busy week. Lots of things to do, but nothing terribly important. So here's the update

Monday
I worked all day. Then Molly came over afterwards to do laundry and hang with a bottle of yummy wine (mmm, wine). It was super fun, except that I fell asleep on the floor (I'm so cool).

Tuesday
"Murphy's Law"Day--Got to work early and had a voicemail (which never bodes well). Alyssa was sick, dizzy, bad stuff so she wouldn't be able to come to work much less help with the MT session. On top of that Soomie was getting her wisdom teeth removed and Megs was being a camp counselor. (No problem, I can handle that, right? Right) Then I got an email from the student leaders of the group saying the theme for the session had changed from "Transportation" to "Bugs" and the session is only 3 hours away. So the hubby scored massive brownie points when I called saying "I'm sending you pictures of bugs, please print them out and bring them to me along with construction paper." No only did he do this, but he printed them on photo paper because it was clearer and called to see if I wanted them laminated (which he did) and bought me a whole packet of construction paper when he couldn't find the stuff we already packed. Luckily, the session turned out very well and got great responses from all the staff.
After work was more furniture shopping, still no luck but looking. I did get a new pedometer interested to see how many of my 10,000 steps I get each day.

Wednesday
Nothing terribly exciting, just work. I went to Target after work to find some more "bug" items for the kiddie's group on Thursday morning and had to stop myself from over-shopping. It was getting to be a lot of fun.

Thursday
Kiddie session went okay. There were a few places I could have changed things that just came to a screeching halt. I think giving the kids more of an opportunity to move would have helped, after all they are 3 years old. I also got my data back regarding part of my study and the results came back just as I had hoped it would. After work, hubby and I had dinner with a group of people from school and then watched Rocky Balboa. Now, I'm not a huge Rocky fan. I usually watch them to be with hubby, but for some reason, I really liked this one. I mean, a Sly Stallone movie actually made me feel something other than sympathetic pain (ala broken bone), an emotional response. That was followed by a night of attempting to sleep through very loud claps of thunder and a terrified puppy. Oh, and my brilliant sister is now a PAC. Way to go, 2bit!

Friday
First, yay for Friday. The day was very lacking in things to do (no patients, no files to score, no data to enter), but I worked on the paper. I desperately want it to be done, submitted and either accepted or rejected, but done nonetheless. Lunch today was my favorite, sushi, with the lovely Jana. We had a great time talking and chatting about anything and everything. After lunch, nothing was accomplish, but good times with good people. I tried to work on my paper some more, but spent the majority of the afternoon chatting with everyone else who stopped by my office.

The weekend looks like thunderstorms, but I hope I'll get a chance to sleep.