Apparently I am experiencing more anxiety than I thought. Things at work have been busy and with planning the vacation and munchkin's birthday, it hasn't been the most relaxing past few days. Yet it really takes a significant amount of stress to induce these dreams I have. In the past it's been a sign that I need to get out of whatever situation in which I have currently placed myself and I typically do. If it's signficant enough, the sobbing in my dream is realized when I wake up. Only this time, it did not relate to work, the munchkin or really anything on which I can have an impact.
Dad had a hard time with the April visit. As I mentioned in the last post, he and I had to have a sit-down talk because I was ready to be done with him. That manifested in my dream last night.
The set up for my dream was, I believe, Christmas at my grandparents house. Only my grandfather has been dead for 15 years and my sweet grandmother now lives in a retirement community battling dementia. Matt and I show up with presents and the whole she-bang and, as soon as we are unloaded, and Matt has left the room, my father launches into the issues from April (more like sharing them with the other family members) and then tells me I should leave. This, of course, is crushing. I oblige but not before going into the basement to tell my grandfather goodbye, which he doesn't understand. Then the dream transitions to another family gathering where I am still extremely hurt. Once everyone has arrived and getting ready to eat together, various members of my family begin to try to "share" what happened at the last gathering and I repeatedly ask them to stop, shift to screaming at them to stop. The group, at that point, begins to laugh and count as I repeat the phrase "Shut your mouth" as each person begins to talk. When they reach 8 or 9, instigated by a tall "uncle" (don't know who he is) I launch myself into him, throw him to the floor and repeatedly scream the same phrase while punching him in the face.
Where did this anger come from? Why did I wake up on the verge of tears?
I know I miss my grandfather and I didn't realize it had been 15 years until I started writing this. I hate I didn't get to tell him goodbye. The brain tumor took him away before I could say I loved him one more time.
I dunno...probably ought to get on the treadmill and run, but now it's time for work.
