All kinds of catching up to do

This post will have to be an introduction to the many I still have coming out of my head. So let's see...In February I was crabby (gee, there's s shocker!). That comes and goes the like rising and falling of the tides. Sometimes I can handle the frustrating circumstances in which I find myself; other times, I think I put myself into those situations subconsciously because I either want to pout or need a good swift kick in the butt. Some parts of my world had become stagnant (and still are in some places). I think that's just par for the course. I've learned to deal, learned to manage and am learning to let go. Don't know why that last one is the hardest one to get, but surprise! It's now been a year since the GGs left us. I just found two unpublished posts about them. I'll still need to finish writing them and then proceed to the point of closure. Still not there in some ways. I do find it a bit ironic, that I return to those posts the week of my grandmother's estate sale. Tuesday I was a ball of tears in my office as I looked at the website that held her items, instantly linking memories to each picture (except for my mom's dollhouse we never knew was there), and being willing to give every last piece of her furniture away in exchange for another hug or word or smile. Heck, I'd even take another back-handed compliment or insult. Luckily, I saved a voicemail she left me on New Year's (in 2009, I think) that says, "Hi, it's Grandmother. I just wanted you to know I love you." I wonder if there's a way I can download it and save it forever. I'll have to ask Verizon. And, while I know it's set up to ask every 28 days or so, it always seems to pop up on a day where I really needed to hear her voice. Hmmm, cosmic perhaps? (okay, taking a break...crying again)
GG posts aside (or forthcoming), things at work were a bit tumultuous. Most of it was grant-related so I covered that on my "professional" blog. In short, we should have known in February what the outcome of our submission was. Instead, we were told we would find out in April...for a grant that ends in May. Many people chose the "glass-half-full" viewpoint while I just tried to keep my lunch down, or fight back a panic attack, anytime anyone discussed the delayed review. Then, in April, we were told our score was pretty bad and that we would have to rewrite. (Damn, that stinks.) But wait, it got worse...we had to have it done by June 1.That basically left a month to go through the reviewers responses, see what we can change and (for nearly every team) rewrite our proposals. The good news was that our bridging funds were/are being viewed positively in that there's a chance we'll be okay. (I'm still not completely certain since these were also the "glass-half-full" people)
In the midst of all of that, I attended a symposium in Greece (yet another post to write--just the fun stuff, not the work-stuff, which is already on the prof blog) and got to present not one, not two, but three different presentations. Each of which was invited to be published in a proceedings. I will probably submit one, but that may or may not happen due to potential drama associated with it...still waiting to find out.
But our grant is in, I may write a paper, and I have to prepare another talk and poster. In the mean time, the hubs is writing his dissertation....still...and hoping to finish this summer. The munchkin, well, she's just amazing. Smart. Funny. Caring. Polite. Golly, I love her!

I'm still paying it forward: I worked with my neighbor, Allison, to make bunnies to help fund her trip to Europe and also donated half of every sale. I think we raised about $200 (and if not I'm giving her at least that much). The hair is still long, but will be cut and donated. Oh, yes, it will.
My nephew arrived and brought with him a whole host of uncertainties, but he is now doing well. My cousin, Phil, is not. I was told yesterday he has been given 30 days. Days. I don't know what I would do if someone said I had a month to live. I'd probably make a bucket list like I've been told he is doing. I'll probably do something in his honor, as well. I'm still pondering that.
So prepare for a new flourish in writing (I hope). Lots going on and lots to say. Until then, blessings to you!

and the world turned upside-down

My excitement last week seemed boundless, but almost as quickly as it came, it left again. Dad and Jo came to visit; we were having a great time. Saturday at dinner, amid pizza and football, the munchkin began screaming. I picked her up and comforted her and she quickly calmed down. It didn't make much sense to me but I figured maybe she bit her tongue, cheek or kicked the table and hurt her toes, but she pointed to the right side of her head. Still, because it ended quickly, I didn't think too much of it. Sunday morning we had brunch with the grandparents before they left and came home for a nice, relaxing day. It was truly wonderful until about 4:30 when, once again, the pain reappeared. This time, she was much more distressed and didn't want me to put her down. I didn't want to reinforce a negative behavior, and was trying to fix dinner, so I put her down, but she wobbled and I quickly picked her up again. Within the next 2 hours, she had as many episodes so we went to the ER. Two hours later, we were seen and given the diagnosis of "Headache" because everything else checked out as normal and home we went. Monday evening she had another one while outside playing, but again was fine relatively quickly and so I waited. When we hit yet another on Tuesday morning, at daycare, my patience was done. I called Peds to get her an appointment ASAP. The docs we saw were baffled as to why this was happening, because neurologically everything checked out, and a CT was scheduled for Friday. Wednesday after a stress-filled day at work, we came home as though nothing was wrong and I was fixing dinner when my littlest love, playing and singing with her babies, paused to sweetly call "Mommy" and, when I answered, said, "My head hurts. I wanna go doctor." Insert Mommy freak-out here

So I called 2bit for advice. She, being brilliant, said I should do what was requested. When I got off the phone and said we were going, munchkin said, "No stay here. Eat supper. Go later" so I restarted my heart and finished dinner. She again made the request during dinner so I tried to distract her and took her outside where she saw her favorite boyfriend. We played for about half and hour, came inside, took a bath and waited for her daddy to come home from work. I let her play some more and sat down to email the pediatrician. I was in the middle of describing my pre-dinner heart attack when she stopped mid-dog-toy-throw and screamed and cried. It's the worst sound I could ever imagine and can't even begin to describe, nor do I really want to (having told this story well over a dozen times to various doctors, nurses, med students, residents, electrophysiologists, etc). I ran over to begin assessing because they recommended trying to look for any shaking (seizure-ish) and asking questions to evaluate cognition. Matt came in near the end and I had her walk to him. Everything seemed normal until Matt put her down after she was comforted and she said, "Hi Daddy" and hugged him like she'd just seen him. Off to the ER we went again. CT completed while we were there was clear--exhale due to really scary stuff ruled out (ie, tumors, CSF leakage or blockage).

Thursday was a good day=No episodes. Friday was looking positive. We moved slowly on our way to the follow-up appt in Peds. Again, I told the story to yet another flippin' resident despite the fact that the attending had met me on Tuesday and I scheduled my appointment with HER. That part was annoying, damn it. The good part of the resident was that she scheduled an EEG that same morning and an MRI. After the torture that is glue and an air compressor putting electrodes on a 2-year-olds head (especially one who hates having things stuck on her against her will and hates anything that blows air exponentially more), bribery of chocolate anything she wanted, we were done for the morning. She had lunch with my coworkers and we went home to recovery from the morning. That night we went to a baby shower for a very dear friend. It was a lovely time until we got ready to leave and she had one right in front of the 3-year-old daughter of a friend. Naturally, her mom says, "What did you do?" because it always sounds as though someone's been hit, pushed, scratched, etc. I quickly assured her, her child was innocent, while mine screamed that she wanted to go to the doctor. We were this close to having two days in a row...ugh.

Saturday was a very lazy day, mostly because Matt and I were exhausted from the week. I barely changed out of my jammies. I wanted to cuddle my kiddo and have a perfect day of football, friends and smiles. We had a great morning and afternoon, but at 6 she screamed. This one was, by far, the worst in intensity and length. Still, once she was done, she was fine and again, there were friends around to witness it. Which, while scary as hell for them, validates my fears. Again, over quickly, but sucky in the moment. Sunday, I was optimistic. She slept until 7. At 7:15, I gave up---episode. With it being that early in the morning, I just wait for the other shoe to drop and to count how many more we have that day. Luckily, it was the only one.

That brings me to today. We were able to move the MRI up from Nov 3 to this Friday (I love the people who are willing to pull strings to help me). The EEG results will be ready between Wed and Fri.

As if that's not enough, there's more. Seriously. There's more.

The hubby's had back problems since he was 13. It was aggravated last January and he's been to PT, a doctor, chiropractor, even an ER trip that was useless. Today he went back to the doc, following the completion of 6 weeks of PT and a bottle of Aleve. Today. TODAY, they do an x-ray. Today. Did I mention this has been going on since January? Today. Well, looking at the x-ray TODAY, it appears some of his vertebrae have fused together, there's arthritis, scoliosis, bone spurs hitting the muscle or nerve and aggravating the muscle or nerve. AND (yes, there's an AND) his tailbone has no space between it and the last lumbar vertebrae; it's compressed. The doctor's recommendation, a neuro-surgeon and possible surgery. Did I mention they did an x-ray TODAY? Today. What the deuce?!

So yeah, guess who else will be getting an MRI? Not me. I'll be praying the grant we submitted goes through so that we'll have health insurance and some money to pay all these freakin' bills we'll be getting in the very near future. And breathing, breathing deeply, because if I get sick, that would just complete the holy crap trifecta.