a long time gone, but back to writing

I haven't written in almost 2 years and, my, how things have changed yet stayed the same. My big girl is almost 5 and a big sister. Our newest love is almost 11 months old (Friday--holy buckets!) and with their birthdays being a week and a half apart (oops!) I have lots of planning to do. Luckily, I have already gotten a head start on Big's and Little's, though Big has gotten much more attention. I have Little's cake planned and family will be there. I think I've even found her birthday present from hubs and me, but I might wait a bit to see. As for Big, yes she's gotten the bulk of the attention recently. I'm going to blame this on the fact that she 1) will remember what happened and 2) has been able to give input. The theme this year is a "Paper Doll, Tea Party Birthday." Doesn't that sound like a mouthful? You betcha. I've got it all planned out, though, and I'm ahead of the game in terms of getting things together. The invitations are a labor of love (and probably a huge dollop of stupidity) as they are paper doll dresses on the cover with a hole for her face and inside another paper doll outfit, a bathing suit. Yes, I printed and cut these out. By. Hand.

Luckily, my brain kicked in (probably slept for 2 hours that night) and I was able to connect with a fabulous friend who shared her die-cutting machine and made about 4 dozen balloons, tea pots and party hats to include on the invitations. I must say, I am grateful for that friend. Those were done in an hour, maybe whereas each dress that I printed, colored (therapeutic though it was) and cut out, took at least that long. Oh, and there are a dozen of each style of dress and head (I cut my sweet love's head out of a picture that I printed). I'm definitely one crafty momma, but I'm a bit insane, too. That I'll also blame on sleep deprivation as Little has *yet* to sleep through the night. Trust me, I am working on every angle of sleep training I can short of putting her in the basement to sleep (I'm kidding! No need to report us!). I think part of the problem (okay, a lot of the problem) is my fault and a little Hub's. He can't stand to hear her cry and she sleeps so much better when she's beside me that we've created this monster and now we have to sleep (or not sleep) with it. Maybe she'll give me a great birthday present (from her) and sleep through the night soon. Ah, glorious sleep! How I've missed you, dear friend.

Still, my little family makes me happier than I thought I could be and I cherish them every moment.

All kinds of catching up to do

This post will have to be an introduction to the many I still have coming out of my head. So let's see...In February I was crabby (gee, there's s shocker!). That comes and goes the like rising and falling of the tides. Sometimes I can handle the frustrating circumstances in which I find myself; other times, I think I put myself into those situations subconsciously because I either want to pout or need a good swift kick in the butt. Some parts of my world had become stagnant (and still are in some places). I think that's just par for the course. I've learned to deal, learned to manage and am learning to let go. Don't know why that last one is the hardest one to get, but surprise! It's now been a year since the GGs left us. I just found two unpublished posts about them. I'll still need to finish writing them and then proceed to the point of closure. Still not there in some ways. I do find it a bit ironic, that I return to those posts the week of my grandmother's estate sale. Tuesday I was a ball of tears in my office as I looked at the website that held her items, instantly linking memories to each picture (except for my mom's dollhouse we never knew was there), and being willing to give every last piece of her furniture away in exchange for another hug or word or smile. Heck, I'd even take another back-handed compliment or insult. Luckily, I saved a voicemail she left me on New Year's (in 2009, I think) that says, "Hi, it's Grandmother. I just wanted you to know I love you." I wonder if there's a way I can download it and save it forever. I'll have to ask Verizon. And, while I know it's set up to ask every 28 days or so, it always seems to pop up on a day where I really needed to hear her voice. Hmmm, cosmic perhaps? (okay, taking a break...crying again)
GG posts aside (or forthcoming), things at work were a bit tumultuous. Most of it was grant-related so I covered that on my "professional" blog. In short, we should have known in February what the outcome of our submission was. Instead, we were told we would find out in April...for a grant that ends in May. Many people chose the "glass-half-full" viewpoint while I just tried to keep my lunch down, or fight back a panic attack, anytime anyone discussed the delayed review. Then, in April, we were told our score was pretty bad and that we would have to rewrite. (Damn, that stinks.) But wait, it got worse...we had to have it done by June 1.That basically left a month to go through the reviewers responses, see what we can change and (for nearly every team) rewrite our proposals. The good news was that our bridging funds were/are being viewed positively in that there's a chance we'll be okay. (I'm still not completely certain since these were also the "glass-half-full" people)
In the midst of all of that, I attended a symposium in Greece (yet another post to write--just the fun stuff, not the work-stuff, which is already on the prof blog) and got to present not one, not two, but three different presentations. Each of which was invited to be published in a proceedings. I will probably submit one, but that may or may not happen due to potential drama associated with it...still waiting to find out.
But our grant is in, I may write a paper, and I have to prepare another talk and poster. In the mean time, the hubs is writing his dissertation....still...and hoping to finish this summer. The munchkin, well, she's just amazing. Smart. Funny. Caring. Polite. Golly, I love her!

I'm still paying it forward: I worked with my neighbor, Allison, to make bunnies to help fund her trip to Europe and also donated half of every sale. I think we raised about $200 (and if not I'm giving her at least that much). The hair is still long, but will be cut and donated. Oh, yes, it will.
My nephew arrived and brought with him a whole host of uncertainties, but he is now doing well. My cousin, Phil, is not. I was told yesterday he has been given 30 days. Days. I don't know what I would do if someone said I had a month to live. I'd probably make a bucket list like I've been told he is doing. I'll probably do something in his honor, as well. I'm still pondering that.
So prepare for a new flourish in writing (I hope). Lots going on and lots to say. Until then, blessings to you!

I need to unload

I don't know what's going on, but the last month has been filled with more frustrations and irritations than I can even begin to share.
The family came for Easter. All the Grandparents played well together. Dad and I had to have a heart-to-heart with 2Bit as the Mediator. Seriously. The man is almost 60 and has the communication skills of a 10-year-old. So we got that worked out, at least for now.
Work has been another. There are so many different things going on and it's just reaching a point of wanting to scream (I'm also thinking about getting a punching bag...again). Some of it is just that I'm tired of the being the "flexible" team; the ones who can adjust our time, location, even the tests we give to accommodate others and never expect anything in return. That has now begun to bite me in the backside. Because we're so "flexible" and because KG is willing to take whatever scraps we're given, we're totally getting the shaft. And by that I mean, we're having to schedule patients over our lunch hour so we can get the data. Granted some of my RAs work over lunch so it's not a big deal, but it's the days where I am the only one and have to miss lunch with my baby so that this can happen. It's not the scheduler's fault. She's doing everything she can to find ways around that. It's just that we don't have the space. And today, when we were scheduled, it was decided that we weren't going to get the space we had been given. Why? Because it was easier for someone else. Were we asked if we'd be willing to switch? No. We weren't given any courtesy. We were expected to be "flexible."
Then there's my Biostats class. It's a good class. By why on God's green earth would you give a Graduate level class a group project. I haven't had one since my freshman year. That one didn't work our well because I did 80% of the work for a group of 5. Now there are 3 of us and, while I know each is putting in the effort, I feel like a dog chasing its tail sometimes. One of my group members is much more abstract and keeps trying to add creativity to a cut and dry project. So we spent 8 hours on Saturday banging our heads against a wall when we'd found the first step 30 minutes into our meeting.
Yesterday, Matt and I had a doozie of a fight. I needed him to pick up baby from school/daycare. I sent him an email (shortly after he'd written me), sent him a text--no response from either. Then at 3 I get an email from school that she was sick. I tried to call--no answer. Then sent another text that said "Nevermind" regarding his picking her up. Then I sit in the tx room for 30 minutes waiting on the doctor to come in and tell me, it's just diarrhea and nothing more (except, "yeah, that is a viral rash."). By this time it's almost 5. I was supposed to meet with my group at 4:30. At this point, I have 3 texts from Matt (no signal in the doc's office). Apparently, he went to daycare to pick her up. Then, when I didn't respond to his texts he went home...and waited. Then had the nerve to get mad at me for not calling him from the phone in the tx room. Yeah, cause I think he's gonna answer, right?
Anyway, it's just been like this for too long. Maybe it'll get better when classes end on the 15th. Maybe it'll all work out. Maybe we'll get these 4 papers done we've been working on and lighten the load. Maybe I'll get my other project started and finish the not-my-project project. In the mean time, it's really hard to do my job like I want.
Ugh...

Update

I haven't written in forever, yet I feel like I've had so much going on in my head that I wanted to write about. I'm completely smitten with my girl, which I guess any mother should be. The transition back to work has been challenging at times, but has gotten better. There are still a few frustrations that I thought would be gone when students left, but they have managed to stick around and make me a little more nuts than I should let them. Still, they'll be over soon enough...I hope. I am excited that I get to see my girl every day and that makes it easier for me to do the full-time gig. Time is really flying by for me. It's hard to believe that a year ago today Matt and I found out Neala was coming. It seems like it wasn't that long ago.
Now I have a list in my head of things I can do one-handed and/or while holding/feeding a baby:
1. send an email
2. browse the internet (with my toes, actually)
3. brush my hair
4. brush my teeth (spitting out the toothpaste without hitting her is the hard part)
5. slice a tomato
6. make sandwich out of aforementioned tomato
7. make a bottle (formula or factory)
8. carve a pumpkin
I know there are more, but that's all I can remember for now. I'm sure I'll update this list as time goes by.
The two of us travelled to St. Louis. I knew it was going to be a test of either stupidity or craziness. Luckily for me, it was the latter. She rode the whole way without any fussiness and was a huge hit with all the ladies in attendance and got lots of love. Even the employees in the hotel restaurant wanted to take turns holding her. Not such a bad thing when they only option is a buffet. I haven't been able to add that to my list of one-handed tricks...yet.
My brain has stopped functioning. Time for bed (yes, it's early).
Blessings to you all!
gin

I could cry...

and probably should. Part of it is sleep deprivation, part is hormones, and part is stress. This I know.
Last night I got a little over 4 hours of sleep. Hormones are a given for me right now.
The stress is the only thing I wish were absent, rather the cause of the stress. Gma-Hoof (as I lovingly refer to her, for her ability to insult anyone, anywhere, at any time and not even realize it) has been having what we believe to be mini-strokes. Several times she's had CTs and yesterday an MRI. Each time the doctors are able to find nothing. Basically, we have to wait for her to have a full-on stroke with who knows what end result. While I realize she is going to be 91 on December 1, the waiting game seems so very hard for me. Afterall, she is the only "original" grandparent I have left and, despite her ability to crush my ego with the fewest of words, I love her so very, very much.
So while I could blame it all on hormones, it really is the sound of my heart breaking that is making me cry.

Oh what a beautiful morning

My morning, thus far...

It was nice while it lasted.