On my mind

Still learning

2011-09-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

So despite my "I'm done" post, apparently I was done (or didn't want to be). But after several times coming home from work and crying on my husband's shoulder (yes, I've done it), I think I have to accept it, I'm not a friend. I'm an acquaintance, if that, perhaps just a colleague. After all, I don't think sky-writing is necessary but apparently, it's not unlikely that it would take that to get through my thick head.
So my feelings were hurt again, but the clarity that follows will hopefully encourage me to just say it, "We're not friends; we're colleagues. I've been through high school once and I have no desire to do it again."

Keeping busy

2011-09-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

It doesn't seem to matter how much time I think I have, I alwasy seem to be too busy to do everything I would like. I work, I craft, I clean...well, sort of. But that's the fun part of life, right? A messy house filled with smiles means my focus is on the important things.
I can't believe how much has changed in 3 years. And next month, the munchkin goes to a new school, a Montessori school. While I am excited for the opportunity for her, it is bittersweet. She will leave the place she has gone for 3 years. Though many of those connections have changed, most graduating and moving away, there are some that have strengthened and formed into amazing friendships (revolving around my munchkin). They love her and I love them for loving her.
So with all the crafting going in, it keeps me busy. Keeps me from focusing on how quickly time has passed and continues to rapidly race to the next minute, hour, day...year.
Looking back at all that has happened in the 7 years we've been here. First, it's hard to believe it's been 7 years, but in some ways I see the changes. Perhaps they show up in my wardrobe and (slightly) larger pants sizes (I'm okay with it. I have a kid); perhaps they show in the additional "pigment-free" hairs that pop from my head. But the last 3? They're on the face on my munchkin who grows bigger, stronger and smarter every day. And, while I wish I could find that stupid pause button, I know it will hide and I will have to remember in pictures, in memories, in the changes she makes. But it's good and I don't mind keeping busy when it makes my heart smile.

It's that time of year again...

2011-08-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

the beginning of yet another academic year. And, as I listen to current and new students been advised, I wish I were one of them. The desire is so intense that I have been wearing earplugs so I don't have to listen or at least have something to block out part of the conversation I wish were mine. I hope to take a course this semester, perhaps audit at least. Maybe that will quench this thirst I have. The desire to do more, to be more.

On learning

2011-08-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have learned through the last month and a half that I am stronger than I knew. I have learned that I am not able to control every aspect of my life. I think I knew it before, but didn't really want to believe it. Yet, it has been an important lesson in multiple ways. I have learned about support and how different people respond. I have learned how each response is appropriate according to an individuals' need/personality/experiences. This has helped me see things in lots of new ways. I have been discharged from one therapist and have been praised by the other, who has decreased my visits and will probably discharge me soon.
My newer learning experience has been a bit more challenging. I've learned about friendships, relationships, their strengths, weaknesses and that they end or sometimes never really begin. Being so far from family has been a challenge for us. Working, and being the only source of financial support, puts a strain on me, as well. Then, add on the husband's back surgery, not knowing whether I'll have a job after May and life has been very tough. There are lots of options for ways to make it better; none have really worked out so far.
I miss my friends, those so far away. In my years of high school and college, I formed a very tight-knit group of friends. Those with whom I can connect immediately as if we spent no time apart. I have connected with two wonderful ladies in my neighborhood. We can sit together for hours and laugh, complain and just flat out enjoy each others company. They are the ones with whom I can connect here. They are my support system here.
I have learned about losing friends over the years, whether they move away, mutually float apart or go on to better things. I have never really felt as though I were released from friendship (or "cut out" like the Friends episode) so I guess I should see that as a bonus. I have noticed that recently I've been looking, fighting, hoping for a friendship (perhaps multiples) that will never be. And perhaps it was only in my head that a friendship would exist. Regardless, it still hurts because it is something that is, once again, beyond my control. Like driving the wrong way down a one way street, it is not safe for me or my heart, and I am learning. I am learning to let go, to accept and to believe there is a reason behind it. I still grieve the loss I thought was there, but I am learning.

Processing a tragedy

2011-07-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I have started this sentence over and over again, not sure where to start. I know that I feel like writing and getting this out. I don't know what I want others to read or know. More importantly, I don't want anyone else to be traumatized by what I have lived through.I think that's why I haven't talked about it much, at least until I met with professionals who have helped. Still, I feel I need to write even if no one reads it.

It's still very hard but the raw, open wound feeling is decreasing and I find I am able to breathe better with each passing day. Of course, therapy is multiple forms is helping, too. Two days ago the old adage, "Time heals all wounds" would have resulted in a pissed-off balk from me. I would have never believed I could move forward as much as I have, especially in this short a period of time. And while my heart and mind is healing, my spirit is also taking her turn. I need to write this so please, if you read this, be careful with your heart.

I flew home to Virginia last week to be with my family after my 29-year-old cousin, Phillip, lost his 9-month battle with leukemia. I had not cried as it was, and is, still very much surreal. I only really cried for my cousin, Michelle, his big sister, with whom I have always had a stronger bond. She and I are one week apart in age and were inseparable anytime we were together. My heart was breaking for her, my aunt and my uncle and those who were with him and love him. The painful parts: he was doing well then relapsed viciously and was gone far too quickly (as is anyone who hasn't lived their full life); Michelle had to read a passage at the memorial service and all I wanted to do was stand beside her to support her; his girlfriend, surrounded by supporters (and who is amazing), staying with him and being so supportive. I was able to make it through relatively well. I spent quality time with my great-Aunt Ginna (who is fabulous and for whom I am named). She told me things about my family I didn't know and I cannot wait to see her again. I left, got to the airport, got on the plane and that's when the single worst moment of my life occurred.

Mid-flight I turned to see a flight attendant in red, talking to a mom who stood up and then noticed she was holding a child, turned her upside-down and began hitting her on the back (the Heimlich maneuver for small children). It was then she began to exclaim "Oh my God!" From there it is a play-by-play of images and screams in my head. From the two calls over the intercom for a doctor, a nurse, "anyone with EMT training" to help, to the father (still in his Army uniform) screaming and crying for his baby, to the mother's screams, pleads and cries, to the quiet and back to the screaming. The worst was the image of the baby (just about 5 or 6 rows behind me) being carried off of the flight by first-responders then, later, a happenstance glance out the window and watching the mother run from the back of an ambulance and collapsing on the tarmac.

That baby, just 10 months old had grabbed a handful of peanuts off her mother's tray and choked to death.

I spent the night in a hotel, waiting for my next flight home. I slept, if you can call it that, with the television on, dreaming/reliving the events. I cried on the bus to the airport when I saw a plane taking off. I had 3 panic attacks on my own flight home: take off, landing, and (of course) when they gave out peanuts and other snacks. I collapsed on the floor of an airplane bathroom and sobbed--shoulder wrenching, heart-broken sobs--on that nasty floor. The parallels, albeit it small, were too hard for me. The baby's name, I believe, was Nylee (I don't know how she spelled it). My baby's name, Neala. She was 10 months old, that means she would be 1 in August. My baby was born in August.

I recognize now my passing through the beginning stages of grief, but I got stuck. I was scared/terrified/heart-broken. I bargained. I got angry (said "You took Phillip. You cannot have her.") and I felt guilty because I didn't help. I have CPR certification through my job but knew others were far more qualified than I and there were: a med student and 3 nurses. Still the screams and images have haunted me nearly every moment since. Granted it's only been a week. I haven't been able to fully recover. In some ways I don't want to; in others I must so that I can continue to function. I will admit I am proud of myself for recognizing how severely I have been affected and for asking for help so quickly. I am proud of myself for recognizing there are things outside of my control, for making myself work and not perseverate more than the flashbacks. I am proud of myself for talking to people I trust. I am proud of myself for writing this.

There are parts of my response that I also know are knee-jerk reactions. I wasn't able to be alone. I wasn't able to be in quiet situations. And the combination of the two? Terrifying. I know that I will not fly again without EMT/First responder training because I can never let myself feel that helpless again. Ever. I know that the more I talk about what happened, the more I gain power on my own mind and the more I allow myself to heal. I do not expect to get better immediately (which I normally would have, in the past). But I recognize my strength, as well, and that has helped. I will do more. I must. It is who I am. For now, I continue to process...

Hug your babies. Love them. Make sure they know how special they are.

Blessings and healing

All kinds of catching up to do

2011-06-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

This post will have to be an introduction to the many I still have coming out of my head. So let's see...In February I was crabby (gee, there's s shocker!). That comes and goes the like rising and falling of the tides. Sometimes I can handle the frustrating circumstances in which I find myself; other times, I think I put myself into those situations subconsciously because I either want to pout or need a good swift kick in the butt. Some parts of my world had become stagnant (and still are in some places). I think that's just par for the course. I've learned to deal, learned to manage and am learning to let go. Don't know why that last one is the hardest one to get, but surprise! It's now been a year since the GGs left us. I just found two unpublished posts about them. I'll still need to finish writing them and then proceed to the point of closure. Still not there in some ways. I do find it a bit ironic, that I return to those posts the week of my grandmother's estate sale. Tuesday I was a ball of tears in my office as I looked at the website that held her items, instantly linking memories to each picture (except for my mom's dollhouse we never knew was there), and being willing to give every last piece of her furniture away in exchange for another hug or word or smile. Heck, I'd even take another back-handed compliment or insult. Luckily, I saved a voicemail she left me on New Year's (in 2009, I think) that says, "Hi, it's Grandmother. I just wanted you to know I love you." I wonder if there's a way I can download it and save it forever. I'll have to ask Verizon. And, while I know it's set up to ask every 28 days or so, it always seems to pop up on a day where I really needed to hear her voice. Hmmm, cosmic perhaps? (okay, taking a break...crying again)
GG posts aside (or forthcoming), things at work were a bit tumultuous. Most of it was grant-related so I covered that on my "professional" blog. In short, we should have known in February what the outcome of our submission was. Instead, we were told we would find out in April...for a grant that ends in May. Many people chose the "glass-half-full" viewpoint while I just tried to keep my lunch down, or fight back a panic attack, anytime anyone discussed the delayed review. Then, in April, we were told our score was pretty bad and that we would have to rewrite. (Damn, that stinks.) But wait, it got worse...we had to have it done by June 1.That basically left a month to go through the reviewers responses, see what we can change and (for nearly every team) rewrite our proposals. The good news was that our bridging funds were/are being viewed positively in that there's a chance we'll be okay. (I'm still not completely certain since these were also the "glass-half-full" people)
In the midst of all of that, I attended a symposium in Greece (yet another post to write--just the fun stuff, not the work-stuff, which is already on the prof blog) and got to present not one, not two, but three different presentations. Each of which was invited to be published in a proceedings. I will probably submit one, but that may or may not happen due to potential drama associated with it...still waiting to find out.
But our grant is in, I may write a paper, and I have to prepare another talk and poster. In the mean time, the hubs is writing his dissertation....still...and hoping to finish this summer. The munchkin, well, she's just amazing. Smart. Funny. Caring. Polite. Golly, I love her!

I'm still paying it forward: I worked with my neighbor, Allison, to make bunnies to help fund her trip to Europe and also donated half of every sale. I think we raised about $200 (and if not I'm giving her at least that much). The hair is still long, but will be cut and donated. Oh, yes, it will.
My nephew arrived and brought with him a whole host of uncertainties, but he is now doing well. My cousin, Phil, is not. I was told yesterday he has been given 30 days. Days. I don't know what I would do if someone said I had a month to live. I'd probably make a bucket list like I've been told he is doing. I'll probably do something in his honor, as well. I'm still pondering that.
So prepare for a new flourish in writing (I hope). Lots going on and lots to say. Until then, blessings to you!

Why am I crabby?

2011-02-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

I don't know, but I am.
I think it's just that time of year for me. A time when the lull of work just hits me and makes me less excited to be doing this job. I came in this morning, wrote a to-do list and now have no motivation to actually do any of it.
The menial things are frustrating me. I don't know how much I can control it, and maybe that's part of the problem, but I want to be able to fix it and right now have so little motivation.
Outwardly, I'm not overtly crabby. I'm just quiet, sitting in my office, doing my thing. Inwardly, I want to "have a behavior" as my friend Sarah puts it. The hubs is trying to get his backside in gear and get this stinkin' paper done while we shell out $100 every 2 weeks for his editor. I don't know what she's doing. I'm hoping she's doing something. I know she's talented at what she does, but this is getting old. This is a year and a half post ABD and we're not close. We've been here for 6 1/2 years and I'm ready to have the next step. I'm ready to do more.
I did create an etsy shop (well, two) but haven't put anything in them. I'm still trying to decide which way to go. I'll probably close the newest one and stick with my own. I do enjoy making things. In fact, I wish I could just do that. I know it's not as stimulating as, say, a job in research, but I've found myself looking forward to snow days, vacations and any other time I'm not in the office.
I really want the hubs to get a job so I have an option because right now, it just plain stinks. I'm still in "pay-it-forward" mode. That hasn't changed. Slowed, perhaps, but not changed.
I need something big to happen and right now, that's not much. I did get accepted to go to Athens, Greece, on top of being invited. Even that, at this point, isn't all that much of a push for me. What's my next step? What can I do?

Pay-it-forward birthday

2011-01-14T14:58:00.000-08:00

As I wrote, yesterday was my 34th birthday. And, somehow the predictions from the year in an earlier post are coming true, though not intentionally on my part. I am becoming more introspective. I also hope that I am ramping up my generosity and general goodwill towards man (even after the Christmas season).

I decided this year was going to be a pay-it-forward birthday.
First:
All of my bday money will be donated to the pay-it-forward goal of a wonderful Mama. I started reading her blog some time last year, after she was featured on an AOL something-or-other and was instantly hooked. I now read her blog daily and she doesn't even write a new post every day. She is an inspiring woman, wife, mother, photographer and all around human being. In addition, my wonderful brother (yes, it's written down now. can't take it back) and his beautiful wife will be having a little one with "Designer Genes" in March. Jackson will be amazing. I have no doubt. And because, he and Nella will have this commonality, I get an even warmer and fuzzier feeling when I know that my money, money I have no need for, will provide them opportunities to do whatever they want in life. Yay for NDSS.
Second:
The only fun thing I did for myself was schedule a hairdo. It's gotten really long and I thought, "What better thing to do on my birthday than donate it to the Locks of Love." I was one inch too short. Ugh, bummer. I even looked for others and found one that would have given me 2 inches to spare...no permanent die. For real? So, alas, that donation will wait for another day, but it will happen and I will link it to this birthday.
Third:
I did visit the ultra nice, not-so-inexpensive yarn shop. I bought some really pretty yarns. I plan to give it ALL away once it has reached it finished product. Why? Why not?

I hope I can keep doing this all year, this year of my internal personal development. It feels good and I like feeling good. I've also thought about starting some sort of business with screen printing or making items that say "Designer Genes." Would it be fun to have a special munchkin, child, adolescent who could flaunt what makes them special? I would love to do this and then give proceeds to NDSS. Then I could partner with various therapies and have shirts that say things like, "Music Therapists love Designer Genes." :)
It's still a work in progress, but the ball is a-rolling...Watch out world!

It's my birthday and I'll whine if I want to, but I'm not gonna

2011-01-13T06:09:00.000-08:00

For the last 6 years, I've enjoyed watching everyone in our department celebrate another's birthday with cookies, snacks, decorations, you name it. And each year, as I walk into work on my birthday, I hope to see something sparkly on my door, or have someone bring something delicious to my office. It has yet to happen, with the exception of a lovely sign from Brittan the year before she left. Last year, I was more than just disappointed; I was upset. This year, I don't care anymore. So there, I've said it. I'm not going to deal with this junk like I'm in high school, wishing I were part of the popular crowd. I'm in the wrong hallway and I don't care any more.

It's my birthday. It's a pay it forward birthday. I'm thinking "Locks of Love" will be getting a present on my birthday and so will NDSS since my newest nephew will have Designer Genes when he arrives in April. I have wonderful friends who have donated to NDSS as my birthday present and I could ask for nothing better. So happy birthday to me! :)

...add a dash of new adventures

2011-01-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

...and my year is off! During my national conference in December, I was inspired by many of the music therapists I have known for several years. They're amazing men and women who are pushing the boundaries and sharing their knowledge with the world. So I decided to throw my hat into the ring, as well. Since I spend so much of my time in the world of research, I decided to see if there was a niche out there for me. *Poof* I have created a new website that will hopefully allow me to share my experiences and (limited) expertise with those who can benefit. And so "Notable Musique" is born. We'll see how long it lasts, but I have had so many ideas going through my mind for posts that I've got at least a few months worth of writing (and lots of drafts saved). This will still be my own, personal site for expression but I think it will be great to have another, more professional outlet. It will take care of some of that "Clutter" I've had building up.

My favorite Christmas present

2010-12-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

This year was one of the best Christmases I've ever experience. My nephew, Beau (Bo-bo) arrived on the 23rd and Mom and I toasted his birth day with a shot of Sake (the only liquor I could find at 1:30 a.m.). We got to spend time with all of the parents/grandparents and relax without driving so many hours.

While that was wonderful, I got a present I couldn't have even fathomed to request, my grandmother's writing.
Back story:
I never knew my Dad's mother, for whom I'm named. She died before my parents were married and not until last year did I even know what she looked like. I've never been able to find out too much information about her from anyone. I know she was an artist. They had her paintings hanging up in Grandpa's house and Dad pointed them out to me from time to time. She loved classical music: Grandpa showed me her collection of records, Rachmaninof, Tchaikovsky, Bach in a box in the shed too damaged by the weather to be salvaged. I know she lost a daughter, Susan, either at birth or shortly thereafter who would have been between my dad and uncle in age. I found that out from my "Grandma Jo" who really isn't my grandmother, our family just adopted her as such and that's the only title she's had.
I don't know her birthday, I don't know when or how she died. My information about her ended there...until this Christmas.

When I got to my dad's house for our Christmas dinner, I found a book and a card for me. Inside was a note from my cousin, Jasmine. It read:

Dear Cousin,

I hope you enjoy this book of our grandmother's poetry!

Please have Uncle Bob explain.

Much love,

Jasmine

I can't even begin to count how many times I've read this note. The first sentence echoing in my mind and my heart, "our grandmother's poetry." Wow. She wrote poetry. Not only that, but the book that went with the card contains scanned copies of her writing. I now know what her handwriting looks like. She had good penmanship.

Turns out, the gentleman that bought my grandfather's house found a box under the house on Mother's Day this year and brought it over to my uncle's house. Jasmine found it and, realizing the importance it would have to the rest of us, started scanning pages. There are 28 journals, approximately 1200 pages of her writing. Some of it is original poetry; some are poems she enjoyed. There are a few dated 1942 and addressed to "a child in Europe." Either way, it's a piece of her I would have never, ever had access to or even known existed without my fabulous cousin.

It was equally as surprising to my dad, who I don't think knew of the journals' existence. Jas included one special poem in his collection, a poem my grandmother most likely wrote about him. It is about giving him a bath and makes it sound like he was a toddler when she wrote it. Watching his face as we talked about this amazing gift, I could see his sweet heart swell. Face sullen, looking down, he was more than humble; he was grateful. So Jas, if you read this, please know you gave me and my dad a gift that was more than priceless. You introduced me to another part of our grandmother and you gave my dad back his mom. Even if it's only her words, it's her words so many years after she left.

That, my friends, was my favorite Christmas present and one I'll always treasure.

2011 prediction

2010-12-30T19:55:00.000-08:00

This is what I read tonight about my upcoming year. I'm looking forward to the introspection and stability, especially the financial part:

Year 2011 Overview

'Change' is your middle name at this point, Capricorn. You've been through more personal transformation in the past two years than perhaps in your entire life. The upside is that you're getting used to the intensity of it all. It helps that you're realizing the futility in holding on to people and possessions that only stunt your growth. So many layers continue to be shed on a daily basis but this also gives way to unquestionable personal power. Pluto in Capricorn will carry on for another 14 years; so if this is just the tip of the iceberg, imagine who you will be on the other side of your metamorphosis.

This year the focus shifts from a lifestyle focused on gadgets, information and social networking to introspection, home and family. You are about to encounter your most uncensored raw self on levels as of yet unprecedented. Ready yourself, Goat, because this spring an explosion of fiery planets in Aries sweeps the very base of your horoscope getting you back in touch with some of your most primal instincts. Competition, aggression and the need for plenty of physical outlets ensue.

Some long-standing money issues are finally coming to a finish as the planet of illusion and delusion gets ready to move on to your communication sector. You've learned to use your discrimination in choosing where to invest and where to spend. For the next 14 years, instead of worrying about money leakages you'll be working on mindfulness to avoid spacing out. In any case, your way with words is apt to become poetic and inspired, which can only make the world appear infinitely more beautiful.

Cluttered

2010-12-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

It has been 3 weeks since the last episode and the level of relief I've experience is indescribable.

Perhaps because (or in spite of) this upheaval, I've noticed a significant shift in my own goal areas. I've been cluttered physically and mentally. I have been lacking the motivation to actually go above and/or beyond what is asked of me. The result? A cluttered life and mind. My desk at work is a prime example: piles of papers here; connected cords there; stacks of articles to read here; manuscript to work on there; and a huge list of future projects. It's all a mess. In addition, I was inspired during my music therapy conference to really do more. I met up with amazing women who are doing amazing things and are totally fulfilled in their lives and jobs. So I've decided to take that step, clean up everything, get it organized and Un-clutter. My bedroom is first, followed by my desk (but probably not a complete overhaul until next week) and then my website (which also means my mind). I've decided to take a step in a different direction and try to help others. My biggest fear is that I'll do something horrendously wrong, but my hope is that, if/when I do, someone will point it out to me and I'll learn something significant from it. I'm giving that a deadline of January as I start putting the pieces together. For now, the papers on my desk have moved from stacks to semi-organized piles, which will then be placed into their appropriate folders and containers from which they can be retrieved when needed or recycled.

2010-11-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

Thursday marked one week without an episode (or at least one we noticed). The GrandDs came to visit and spent lots of quality time with the munchkin, aside from the stomach bug that ran through our home every 4 days. We had a wonderful time relaxing and laughing and playing. It. Was. Wonderful.
So I am thankful for this:
And so much more!

and we danced...

2010-11-08T07:25:00.000-08:00

Much of the weekend was a girls' weekend with Matt traveling to Chicago to compete with EIBB. Friday night we chilled, literally, put our jammies on and just relaxed. I say our jammies because my kiddo totally did it on her own...and we're talking footed jammies. She was quiet for a while in that "what's my kid up to" kind of way, but when she came running into my room, opposite arm and leg in sleeve and footed long leg. I smiled. It was a great feeling. Then I watched her try to get the other foot in the shorter, zipper side. She gave it a go, then stated that she needed to do it in her room and when she returned, she had succeeded once again. I only provided support to get the last arm in place, but she totally did it on her own...all the way to the last zzzzzzip! She was proud of herself and she should be!
Saturday we stayed in our jammies much longer than one should if they plan on leaving their homes that day. Since we had no plans, we jammed out. And mid-morning, we literally, jammed out. She has a new LeapTop that she got with her birthday gift card from Opa and Jojo. It has a few songs pre-programmed (until her slacker of a mother actually downloaded the software to personalize it for her) and she loves to listen to the music. In fact, that's one of the only buttons she would push before. So she started playing with it and encouraged me to dance with her. Keep in mind, the songs are only about 30-45 seconds in length and include the standard nursery-rhyme types. Nonetheless, we went for it. We danced all out, jumping and bouncing and clapping after each song. I swear I had flashbacks to being 8 and just moving every part of my body to the music all while jumping as high as I could. Someone walking up to my door would have probably thought I was being attacked by bees, but I didn't care. Something about it was freeing and I felt like a lot of the stress, the anxiety, the frustration of the not-so-past few weeks flew out of my body and fell on the floor for me to land on (and perhaps stomp to oblivion) as I came down from each bounce. It was truly cathartic for me and we had fun. Fun--something I don't know that I've experienced that intensely in a while. Must. Repeat. Again!
The rest of the weekend, we hung out with amazing friends, almost lost Bobby at Outback (which has inspired me to try to write a story about the left-behind toys--unless there's already one out there), and welcomed Daddy home on Saturday. Sunday, we relished in the extra hour..er...I did especially well because some Daddy-daughter time was had while I got to sleep a little extra. Then we played and created a Gingerbread massacre in the driveway a la sidewalk chalk. I'm getting ready for the holidays (at least in my head). I'm also crafting Christmas presents. We'll see how many I actually get completed, but it's a nice goal to set for myself.

I'm channeling...

2010-10-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to channel my energy to things that are more productive. Of course, I started this months ago, but it's something that's easy to do and it makes me happy, so why not?!
Last year, I went to a meeting for a group called The Preemie Project. Okay, it wasn't really a meeting, but they got together and sewed for the entire weekend. I hadn't had a break in, oh, forever, so I took advantage. We made over 200 blankets and I don't even remember how many sleep sacks, but I think we got close to running out of material. I learned how to do more with my sewing machine and got to spend time with some fabulous women. This year, a call went out for pumpkins. Hats, booties and other fall-flavored items for the mini-munchkins in the NICU. Being, well, me I went nuts. First, I thought I'd try to cross-stitch a bunch of onesies with pumpkins on them and cute phrases. Three hours/nights into the project I realized the chances of me getting more than 2 done before Oct 22 were pretty slim so I started on other pumpkin-themed ideas. I found a pattern for hats and I was off. Once I'd made 18, I tried to find the best way to make booties. That was going to be a bit more of a challenge for me because I didn't want to have to sew them. I wanted to be able to do them quickly. I finally found a pattern---here---and set to work. In total I made 23 hats and 20 pairs of booties; 18 sets to donate, 1 set for a new baby, three pairs of booties for friends. Of course, I failed to take pictures of them all, but I did get a few. Hopefully, I'd get photos of the little ones with their adornments, as well. In the mean time, it takes my mind off of the other things in life that keep me from smiling.

and the world turned upside-down

2010-10-25T18:57:00.001-07:00

My excitement last week seemed boundless, but almost as quickly as it came, it left again. Dad and Jo came to visit; we were having a great time. Saturday at dinner, amid pizza and football, the munchkin began screaming. I picked her up and comforted her and she quickly calmed down. It didn't make much sense to me but I figured maybe she bit her tongue, cheek or kicked the table and hurt her toes, but she pointed to the right side of her head. Still, because it ended quickly, I didn't think too much of it. Sunday morning we had brunch with the grandparents before they left and came home for a nice, relaxing day. It was truly wonderful until about 4:30 when, once again, the pain reappeared. This time, she was much more distressed and didn't want me to put her down. I didn't want to reinforce a negative behavior, and was trying to fix dinner, so I put her down, but she wobbled and I quickly picked her up again. Within the next 2 hours, she had as many episodes so we went to the ER. Two hours later, we were seen and given the diagnosis of "Headache" because everything else checked out as normal and home we went. Monday evening she had another one while outside playing, but again was fine relatively quickly and so I waited. When we hit yet another on Tuesday morning, at daycare, my patience was done. I called Peds to get her an appointment ASAP. The docs we saw were baffled as to why this was happening, because neurologically everything checked out, and a CT was scheduled for Friday. Wednesday after a stress-filled day at work, we came home as though nothing was wrong and I was fixing dinner when my littlest love, playing and singing with her babies, paused to sweetly call "Mommy" and, when I answered, said, "My head hurts. I wanna go doctor." Insert Mommy freak-out here

So I called 2bit for advice. She, being brilliant, said I should do what was requested. When I got off the phone and said we were going, munchkin said, "No stay here. Eat supper. Go later" so I restarted my heart and finished dinner. She again made the request during dinner so I tried to distract her and took her outside where she saw her favorite boyfriend. We played for about half and hour, came inside, took a bath and waited for her daddy to come home from work. I let her play some more and sat down to email the pediatrician. I was in the middle of describing my pre-dinner heart attack when she stopped mid-dog-toy-throw and screamed and cried. It's the worst sound I could ever imagine and can't even begin to describe, nor do I really want to (having told this story well over a dozen times to various doctors, nurses, med students, residents, electrophysiologists, etc). I ran over to begin assessing because they recommended trying to look for any shaking (seizure-ish) and asking questions to evaluate cognition. Matt came in near the end and I had her walk to him. Everything seemed normal until Matt put her down after she was comforted and she said, "Hi Daddy" and hugged him like she'd just seen him. Off to the ER we went again. CT completed while we were there was clear--exhale due to really scary stuff ruled out (ie, tumors, CSF leakage or blockage).

Thursday was a good day=No episodes. Friday was looking positive. We moved slowly on our way to the follow-up appt in Peds. Again, I told the story to yet another flippin' resident despite the fact that the attending had met me on Tuesday and I scheduled my appointment with HER. That part was annoying, damn it. The good part of the resident was that she scheduled an EEG that same morning and an MRI. After the torture that is glue and an air compressor putting electrodes on a 2-year-olds head (especially one who hates having things stuck on her against her will and hates anything that blows air exponentially more), bribery of chocolate anything she wanted, we were done for the morning. She had lunch with my coworkers and we went home to recovery from the morning. That night we went to a baby shower for a very dear friend. It was a lovely time until we got ready to leave and she had one right in front of the 3-year-old daughter of a friend. Naturally, her mom says, "What did you do?" because it always sounds as though someone's been hit, pushed, scratched, etc. I quickly assured her, her child was innocent, while mine screamed that she wanted to go to the doctor. We were this close to having two days in a row...ugh.

Saturday was a very lazy day, mostly because Matt and I were exhausted from the week. I barely changed out of my jammies. I wanted to cuddle my kiddo and have a perfect day of football, friends and smiles. We had a great morning and afternoon, but at 6 she screamed. This one was, by far, the worst in intensity and length. Still, once she was done, she was fine and again, there were friends around to witness it. Which, while scary as hell for them, validates my fears. Again, over quickly, but sucky in the moment. Sunday, I was optimistic. She slept until 7. At 7:15, I gave up---episode. With it being that early in the morning, I just wait for the other shoe to drop and to count how many more we have that day. Luckily, it was the only one.

That brings me to today. We were able to move the MRI up from Nov 3 to this Friday (I love the people who are willing to pull strings to help me). The EEG results will be ready between Wed and Fri.

As if that's not enough, there's more. Seriously. There's more.

The hubby's had back problems since he was 13. It was aggravated last January and he's been to PT, a doctor, chiropractor, even an ER trip that was useless. Today he went back to the doc, following the completion of 6 weeks of PT and a bottle of Aleve. Today. TODAY, they do an x-ray. Today. Did I mention this has been going on since January? Today. Well, looking at the x-ray TODAY, it appears some of his vertebrae have fused together, there's arthritis, scoliosis, bone spurs hitting the muscle or nerve and aggravating the muscle or nerve. AND (yes, there's an AND) his tailbone has no space between it and the last lumbar vertebrae; it's compressed. The doctor's recommendation, a neuro-surgeon and possible surgery. Did I mention they did an x-ray TODAY? Today. What the deuce?!

So yeah, guess who else will be getting an MRI? Not me. I'll be praying the grant we submitted goes through so that we'll have health insurance and some money to pay all these freakin' bills we'll be getting in the very near future. And breathing, breathing deeply, because if I get sick, that would just complete the holy crap trifecta.

I did it

2010-10-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

I bit the bullet, put my backside in gear and did it.
I finally applied for a teaching job...at a university. Am I freaking out? You bet your sweet bippy I am, but I'm also cautiously optimistic and excited. I want to see what, if anything, will happen and, if there's feedback coming, what it is and what it means and how I can get better. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with them saying "no" because even if they do, I'm not going to be kicking myself for not trying, for not applying and for not seeing what could be.
The planner inside is the one doing the backflips and saying, "Are you really sure you want to do this? Too late now. You're in for it, girl" and the part of me that so wants to be like Matt, so laid back and relaxed and go-with-the-flow is telling her to shut up and sit down. I like it.
The past few weeks have been more than stressful (and that's an understatement). Any and every little thing could send me into a mental rage, or sad, or lonely. This actually makes me feel like I've taken back the reigns and I'm trying to make not just everyone else happy but ME happy. I've kind of forgotten what that's like, which makes me disappointed in myself. The realization, however, that I've taken back my "power" (as Mom puts it) gives me this inner confidence that I had forgotten was there. I've moved complacency out of the way and I'm back to me (or at least I hope I am) and maybe even a better me. And today? I'm proud of myself.
So I'm going to sit here and pat myself on the back. I know I don't do it enough.

Getting ready to head out

2010-04-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

Thursday, the munchkin and I are heading to Baltimore, by way of the Atlanta airport. I'm looking forward to getting away. I haven't seen Gma-hoof in 16 months and know that she is so excited to see "her baby" (not me, the munchkin). Mom and Laura are also coming, too, so the house will be loaded with women who are all strong-minded and range in age from 92 1/2 to 20 months. Good times.
Of course, now Grandma is convinced she is dying, which she is. Technically, we all are. But she believes hers must be imminent because I'm coming to visit and Laura's coming to visit; even Step-daddy is stopping by this week (unannounced). That may cause her to pull out her will. I just hope the visit is enjoyable for her. I don't think she remembers how much energy a munchkin requires but with the three of us to chase her around, she should be fine to just laugh and point.
Most of all, I'm looking forward to getting another photo of the 4 generations of women. Granted, I'll look like the odd (wo)man out because I'll be the only brunette, but I'll take it. I know they're mine.

Lovely day

2010-04-04T18:16:00.001-07:00

Ahhh, Happy Easter! What a beautiful day. It started at 6:30, per usual, but felt earlier because of the post midnight bedtime. We hit mass right before 8:30 and ended up in the standing room only area. The golden part was that we were on top of the vent which caused the munchkin's dress to poof out in true princess fashion. That and a bag of Cheez-its made for a lovely service. We came home and got one of our neighbors to get a family picture, complete with Syd-dog bunny ears (borrowed from the munchkin).We had 2 cameras going to get a few good shots.

Post-church brunch was a cooking invention of my own device. It turned out well, but I immediately started figuring out ways to make it even better "next time." After that, munchkin took a nap and we started cleaning up the tornado-like livingroom strewn with toys, then set out our eggs for her solo hunt post-nap. She got really good at finding them and, when she realized they contained treats, the hunt was on. The rewards were equally enjoyable.
I hope your holiday was as wonderful as ours. Happy Easter!

Shaken

2010-04-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

I've been dealing with a lot of different things this week. We started the project that brought so much frustration. I don't foresee a lot of progress but I will do what I can to help it progress. Matt is applying for jobs and hoping things go well. His buddy, Casey, is apparently on a few short lists at some other schools so that hopefully means the two won't be in competition with each other. Those things have been weighing heavily on my mind, but the biggest thing this week has nothing to do with me. A friend, who was more of an acquaintance until we started bonding via the world of facebook, has been in the hospital with her youngest little one. At 6 weeks old, he has been an inpatient for the last week. He's been having episodes of apnea since the day he was born and it reached a point that caused his docs to send him to my place. The strange part for me is that even though he's not my child and despite his mother's unrelenting faith, on Tuesday I felt my faith being shaken. I felt myself beginning to doubt everything I've always believed and wondering whether God was really there and listening. Afterall, this child is perfect, unblemished. And yet, here he is in a hospital bed, baffling the doctors as they open every door to find the answer. I don't know how to describe the feeling that came over me as I held my own daughter and remembered her time in the NICU. Then, my faith was strong and I was not. This time, I feel like my faith was shaken. But I looked at this mother, this woman who hasn't left her child's side, who has various verses from the Bible written on the board in her son's room to give her strength, hope, support. She inspires me and yet I feel ashamed that my own faith was challenged when she is facing such challenges. I pray every day (nearly constantly for her child) and have even had a night full of dreams where all I did was pray. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned all around this child, not only by the doctors, but by me. Perhaps I need to have her faith or ask for that strength or some semblance of it. All I know is I was astounded as the thoughts passed through my head and yet, I wondered how much of that is from deep within me and how much was just a fleeting insecurity. In the last year, I went through all those "religious" challenges between pretty much everything and my dad. I believed nothing could shake me after that. Clearly, I was wrong.

2010-03-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

The rest of this week was lovely. After deciding I would write more, I went to work refreshed and revived. Not sure why since I didn't sleep late or go to bed early, but hey, I'll take it in whatever form it comes. I was able to get all of my current tasks completed including some really hefty test creation for one of my awesome students. I got to meet with other PIs on our research team (thanks Dr G for taking me) and see some of the new directions are studies may be going. Yesterday, I created the sound files and got them all finished, combined and sent off. I've found some of these new studies (with cortical responses) to be fascinating. I'm still pondering the PhD...pondering. And each time I go through these meetings, I become inspired to ask more questions and find the answers. I hope our next grant application gets approved so we can actually answer them. Now I think I need to create about 2 or 3 IRB applications. IRB=bane of my existence.

Yesterday, I was doing my normal lunch break, panning through various news sources and found a story about a blogging mom. I read the article and was just intrigued. This woman eloquently shares her story about having a baby with Down Syndrome and how she instantly knew it the second she saw her. I looked through her blog. She named her Nella. Of course, my first thought is "how does she pronounce it?" because I think the munchkin's name has caught on. Anyway, I decided to look through some past blogs and I found her birth story. I read it and my heart just opened. It poured out the sorrow, the support, the joy, the grief as though it had been my own experience. I know that I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like, that instant when you see this precious little one you've been waiting for and realizing that she's perfect, but in a different way. To have to grieve the loss of the baby you thought you'd have for the one you're holding in your arms. Just...wow. The name of her blog is called Enjoying the Small Things a name she had before this experience. I've added her to my list of blogs to follow and look forward to reading her future posts.

Today was good. Work was slow. I had the chance to teach one of my new students a few things, some for the second (or third) time but it helps me think. Dinner tonight was soooo good. Munchkin and I went to Targ`et after work as I am on the hunt for an Easter Bonnet. Thus far, I have had no luck finding one for someone over 6 months but younger than 3 years. Ugh. Still, I look even though I know I will probably have to make one for her. Ooh, maybe I could check Etsy again...
Anyway, back to dinner. She and I got home at almost 6 o'clock so I plied her with honey-nut chex while I prepped the food for dinner. By the time Matt got home, I had put the butter in the pan and just turned it on. It hadn't even melted yet (yesssss). So he decided to take us out to dinner at a new restaurant. It's like Kobe (from home) and good. Oh, so good. We ordered teppanyaki scallops (me), orange roughy (Matt) and hibachi shrimp (munchkin). First, we got soup. I tried the clear, with happy memories of mushrooms and scallions floating in broth, and Matt ordered Miso. At least this way we would know which was better. We both shared with munchkin and she emphatically kept asking for "More, More." She liked mine until she tried Matt's Miso soup, then I was chopped liver. I have to admit, that stuff was oh-so delicious. My kid is definitely developing quite the pallet. Then we had salads. Some delicious mix between the ginger salad dressing and shrimp sauce topped the standard lettuce carrots and slice of cucumber and tomato. That really grabbed her attention and she ate a half piece of lettuce preferring the carrots and cucumber. Then our dinner arrived. I was nearly full, but it looked amazing. Let me say, the munchkin serving is enough for an adult, but she hit it hard. First, a giant scoop of rice, then veggies. She worked her way through zucchini, onions, carrots, broccoli and then she found the shrimp and never looked back. I think, given the chance, she would have eaten all of it (probably a 1/2 pound) and wouldn't think of touching the pieces I cut up for her. No, no. She had to have the whole piece to bite and tear herself. I think she ate at least 7 or 8 pieces. This kid is a diamond in the rough. She does not eat fish sticks. She does not eat breaded shrimp. Give her broiled, sauteed, even grilled and it's off the plate and into her mouth in nanoseconds. Give it to her breaded and fried and you'd think I was offering castor oil. No, thank you. So she ate half of the plate. Okay, Matt stole a few pieces but not many. You should have seen the look she gave him. Then they brought dessert what they called a Japanese yogurt. It tasted like a mix of melted lime sherbet, orange sherbet and something else. It was good. All 3 of us got one. Matt took a sip, but because he was stuffed passed on the rest. Neala had a straw in hers and, in true comic fashion, sucked the whole thing down in no time flat. Her eyes lit up when she saw she had another. This time, we let her try to drink it from the glass (it's a funky shot glass I think). This was almost as good but the temptation of the straw may have been too much and she got distracted. One the straw was broken, the drink was gone, complete with head tilted as far back as it can go, glass clinched in her teeth. So yes, we'll be going back again. It may not be soon since we're getting better about cooking "real" dinners every night, but this was a nice, welcome and delicious break. They even changed the TV to the sweet 16 for us. Now that's a classy place.

To return to writing

2010-03-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

I have scrolled through some of my past entries and was surprised that the words I was reading were mine, in a positive way. Although I noticed a trend in some of my most recent posts...I sure like to whine a lot. I think most of it is just trying to get things off my chest and writing them down gets it out of my head and onto a screen where I can read it and finally begin to solve the problem. The other reason is also pretty realistic. I don't think anyone's reading this (besides me), so that makes it really easy and I don't feel like a Debbie Downer.
Having realized that negativity can beget negativity, I'm going to try to be more positive. Call it a delayed New Year's Resolution, if you will. Either way, I want to send out more positive vibes into the world and hope that they return to me.
Work has been my biggest source of stress. I think I'm letting it so that stops now. If I'm frustrated, I need to address the situation and make it better. If I can't, I need to find the one who can. I work hard but there are times I could work harder.
Family is good. Matt's working on his paper and getting closer to finishing by the day. He's applying for real jobs and I am so excited for him. I don't even care where he ends up, I just want him to find a job that makes him happy and fulfilled. I can make do and find something wonderful. You never know, I could end up starting a program for MT wherever he goes. Neala is getting bigger and doing so many amazing things. When she says "I love you" (which comes out as "Wuv U") my heart melts. She's amazing and I can't believe she's mine. I've reached that point where I want another munchkin. I know that I won't get the same type of time with Neala but I think she'd be an excellent big sister and I never want her to be alone. I also realize that our family isn't quite there yet, but the baby-admiration is there. I think it always will be regardless of how big our family is.
My favorite person to discuss is Gma-Hoof. At 92 1/2 she's still mentally strong, but her body is not cooperating with her mental strength. 2bit took her to the doctor yesterday and called me, on the edge of tears. Her kidneys are shutting down. So we immediately scheduled a visit for Neala and me to see her, hopefully before the end. When I talked to 2-ey tonight, she said it might be hard for me because Gma is having spells of nausea during the day. Her kidney function was actually worse than someone who has kidney failure. In short, it's bad. I just hope she can hold out for 3 weeks until we can get there so she can "see her baby."
So I'm baaaaack. I'm going to write more, get my thoughts out and enjoy life.

oh the fun

2010-03-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

It's been...interesting...to be me in the last week or so. Granted, little has happened since my last post (November, I think). We've had the holidays and all the fun that entails plus snow, lots of snow. January was pretty neat. A friend of mine had a baby girl and I was lucky enough to be present for her birth. It was beautiful. All-in-all life has been pretty decent.
Last week and the week before were the doozie of doozies. I've been working on various projects for my job (some mine, some not mine) and got really irritated with a repeated mention regarding the amount of time a particular project was taking. Due to the fact that I had been sick and still managed to do work on it, I was just ever so slightly enraged with the responsible party's lack of attention and action. I managed to bounce my retort off of other people before sending to help me ground myself and assure it was, in fact, appropriate. The response from that person was apologetic but still a bit clueless. At least I got to share my frustration and get it off my chest.
Last week was, well, interesting. Not only was one of my coworkers summarily fired (apparently warranted and I helped clean up afterward), I had one of my patients make one of the most inappropriate statements I've ever heard (and I've worked in a psych unit or three). This cognitively-intact, adult, married male (in my mind and others) knew better. Allow me to set up the scenario:
We are testing in my team's new space. It's in a relatively quiet area, as it needs to be for sound-booth testing. Looking back, I was my normal, polite but conversational self. I did not make any statements that would be misconstrued, I don't believe I used any passive body language, nor did openly invite any dialogue that could lead anywhere unprofessional. All-in-all, a normal testing situation for me. I'm witty, polite but to the point for testing purposes. Between some rather lengthy and not-too-exciting tests, I offered the option of taking a break. Usually this means conversing a bit about the test completed and the ones to come, offering a break for the bathroom, water or coffee, and the like. As I was standing in the administration side of a sound booth, making notes in his folder, this man says "I'm sorry, but you're really turning me on right now" followed by "shoo...shoo." To say this was creepy would be a drastic understatement as my internal dialogue was rolling, "What? What did he just say? Did he really say that? He's between me and the door. Everyone I know in this area is currently gone. Do I feel physically threatened?" So after an extremely awkward silence I informed him we would not be completing one of the tests and we proceeded to begin testing. In hind sight, there are many things I should have said and I think had I been in therapist mode, I would have been more prepared. But this was not a therapy session. This was testing. Music testing. Typically, the therapist in me does not have to be present for cognitively-intact adults.
Rather than let it go completely, I emailed my HR rep to ask what the appropriate response would be. She was just as floored as I was and couldn't really offer me anything. So it wasn't that great, but at least someone else knew something was up in case...well, just in case. After we finished his test, I decided to try to pretend as though nothing had happened. "Perhaps he's embarrassed by what he said" I kept telling myself. Even now, I don't believe it. I at least had some of my therapist hat on and could redirect questions that he asked in a way that had nothing to do with me. Now I'm left with the decision of sending a letter letting him know his behavior was unacceptable or waiting a year until his next appointment to see if he tries something like this again. Of course, if I choose the latter, he will be tested by two members of my team (not one). It was just creepy. Oh the fun...

"Yep"

2009-10-05T18:32:00.001-07:00

My biggest pet peeve is not people who smack their lips, chew gum loudly, burp or make other sounds loudly and in public. It is one singular thing: "Yep" in response to me saying "Thank You." I don't know if this is something associated with the Midwest or just something I never noticed. Perhaps it's the newest development in the vernacular.
The thing about it that makes me the most incensed is that saying "Yep" in response to "Thank You" to me implies that Yes, I should in fact thank you for whatever you've done as in "Yes, you should have said Thank you. What I did demands that you thank me." I realize "yep" is a one syllable word, easy to get out. Most children around 12 months of age are able to say "yeah," yep" or some conjugation of the sound. However, a common response to "thank you" should contain at more than a simple of acknowledgment that someone has spoken. I will provide the following possible responses:
You're welcome (truly the most popular in my book)
No problem
My pleasure
Any time

While I realize these are all 3 syllables they at least convey an appropriate response. So thanks for reading...don't you dare say "yep"! ;)

On husbands...

2009-09-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

Over the last 5 years I've devised a plan to reduce the housework I need to complete. Some of its success is not of my own doing, but rather my husband's lack of desire to go shopping.
The biggest and best of these is laundry.
This is not the task the I enjoy most nor is it something that I was immediately successful in transitioning away from my task. The first year of marriage resulted in a load of my most favorite clothes being destroyed by the ink pen left in a pants pocket and the rest being put in the dryer that were either "Dry Clean Only" or "Lay Flat to Dry." Thus is the learning curve of a newly married man. How I have managed to maintain the assignment of duties is simple:

Make sure your husband has fewer pairs of underwear than you

When Matt runs out, he does the laundry, which is always significantly before I need to do it myself. This has been really good in the past with the exception that I have now learned one of his methods of deciding what to wash. Simply put, he picks the top half of the clothes in the laundry basket, washes those and goes on with life. This explains why I haven't been able to locate a particular shirt and wondered if perhaps I'd left it somewhere during out Southern Birthday Excursion. Alas, after two weeks of wondering (aloud often) where that shirt may be, I found it at the absolute bottom of the clothes pile for the wrong grouping (darks not lights). So while my plan has worked fairly well, I have found the flaw.

Stress dreams

2009-07-14T03:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am experiencing more anxiety than I thought. Things at work have been busy and with planning the vacation and munchkin's birthday, it hasn't been the most relaxing past few days. Yet it really takes a significant amount of stress to induce these dreams I have. In the past it's been a sign that I need to get out of whatever situation in which I have currently placed myself and I typically do. If it's signficant enough, the sobbing in my dream is realized when I wake up. Only this time, it did not relate to work, the munchkin or really anything on which I can have an impact.
Dad had a hard time with the April visit. As I mentioned in the last post, he and I had to have a sit-down talk because I was ready to be done with him. That manifested in my dream last night.

The set up for my dream was, I believe, Christmas at my grandparents house. Only my grandfather has been dead for 15 years and my sweet grandmother now lives in a retirement community battling dementia. Matt and I show up with presents and the whole she-bang and, as soon as we are unloaded, and Matt has left the room, my father launches into the issues from April (more like sharing them with the other family members) and then tells me I should leave. This, of course, is crushing. I oblige but not before going into the basement to tell my grandfather goodbye, which he doesn't understand. Then the dream transitions to another family gathering where I am still extremely hurt. Once everyone has arrived and getting ready to eat together, various members of my family begin to try to "share" what happened at the last gathering and I repeatedly ask them to stop, shift to screaming at them to stop. The group, at that point, begins to laugh and count as I repeat the phrase "Shut your mouth" as each person begins to talk. When they reach 8 or 9, instigated by a tall "uncle" (don't know who he is) I launch myself into him, throw him to the floor and repeatedly scream the same phrase while punching him in the face.
Where did this anger come from? Why did I wake up on the verge of tears?
I know I miss my grandfather and I didn't realize it had been 15 years until I started writing this. I hate I didn't get to tell him goodbye. The brain tumor took him away before I could say I loved him one more time.
I dunno...probably ought to get on the treadmill and run, but now it's time for work.

I need to unload

2009-04-22T07:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's going on, but the last month has been filled with more frustrations and irritations than I can even begin to share.
The family came for Easter. All the Grandparents played well together. Dad and I had to have a heart-to-heart with 2Bit as the Mediator. Seriously. The man is almost 60 and has the communication skills of a 10-year-old. So we got that worked out, at least for now.
Work has been another. There are so many different things going on and it's just reaching a point of wanting to scream (I'm also thinking about getting a punching bag...again). Some of it is just that I'm tired of the being the "flexible" team; the ones who can adjust our time, location, even the tests we give to accommodate others and never expect anything in return. That has now begun to bite me in the backside. Because we're so "flexible" and because KG is willing to take whatever scraps we're given, we're totally getting the shaft. And by that I mean, we're having to schedule patients over our lunch hour so we can get the data. Granted some of my RAs work over lunch so it's not a big deal, but it's the days where I am the only one and have to miss lunch with my baby so that this can happen. It's not the scheduler's fault. She's doing everything she can to find ways around that. It's just that we don't have the space. And today, when we were scheduled, it was decided that we weren't going to get the space we had been given. Why? Because it was easier for someone else. Were we asked if we'd be willing to switch? No. We weren't given any courtesy. We were expected to be "flexible."
Then there's my Biostats class. It's a good class. By why on God's green earth would you give a Graduate level class a group project. I haven't had one since my freshman year. That one didn't work our well because I did 80% of the work for a group of 5. Now there are 3 of us and, while I know each is putting in the effort, I feel like a dog chasing its tail sometimes. One of my group members is much more abstract and keeps trying to add creativity to a cut and dry project. So we spent 8 hours on Saturday banging our heads against a wall when we'd found the first step 30 minutes into our meeting.
Yesterday, Matt and I had a doozie of a fight. I needed him to pick up baby from school/daycare. I sent him an email (shortly after he'd written me), sent him a text--no response from either. Then at 3 I get an email from school that she was sick. I tried to call--no answer. Then sent another text that said "Nevermind" regarding his picking her up. Then I sit in the tx room for 30 minutes waiting on the doctor to come in and tell me, it's just diarrhea and nothing more (except, "yeah, that is a viral rash."). By this time it's almost 5. I was supposed to meet with my group at 4:30. At this point, I have 3 texts from Matt (no signal in the doc's office). Apparently, he went to daycare to pick her up. Then, when I didn't respond to his texts he went home...and waited. Then had the nerve to get mad at me for not calling him from the phone in the tx room. Yeah, cause I think he's gonna answer, right?
Anyway, it's just been like this for too long. Maybe it'll get better when classes end on the 15th. Maybe it'll all work out. Maybe we'll get these 4 papers done we've been working on and lighten the load. Maybe I'll get my other project started and finish the not-my-project project. In the mean time, it's really hard to do my job like I want.
Ugh...

To PhD or not to PhD...

2009-02-26T18:42:00.000-08:00

This semester I decided to take one class. My intial reasoning was that it would benefit my job and increase my abilities to do what I currently do. It's a biostatistics class, so it can essentially help me to do my own analyses rather than relying on our current (and very capable) Biostatistician. The second reason, which came later, was my desire to tip my toe back into the world of academia and see whether I think PhD is feasible and something I want. I think it is, I really do. If so, do I want to do it now or do I want to wait? And if I want to wait, how long is too long?
The two ladies that I study with are both in the doctoral program; one in nursing and one in Speech and Hearing Science. Last night as we studied for our first exam and this morning as we recovered from it, they encouraged me to go for my degree. I'm just not sure if I should start it here or if I should wait to see where Matt ends up. I started looking at Johns Hopkins and Maryland in case Matt wins the Pershing's Own position. So I guess, I do want the degree, I just need to go for it. Anyone want to push?

Peace at alpha=.0001

Ahhh

2009-02-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

There are definitely days I love living in Iowa. Monday was particularly lovely as this beautiful eagle was sitting in the tree at the end of my parking lot. He sat there long enough for me to get this picture before he flew away, soaring above the law building and up the river.
It made my heart happy.

One of my favorite Christmas memories

2009-01-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

It always makes me smile...

Bummer-ish Birthday

2009-01-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

My birthday was less than exciting. I guess that's what happens when Matt's out of town and very little else happens. The happy caveat for me was being taken to lunch by Brian, Ann and Stephanie. Still the diappointment was there, I have to admit. I was a little bummed out that there was no sign on my door (as usually occurs for birthdays in my department). Then again, I haven't had a sign on my door since BB left. There were no treats brought in my honor. And, while I didn't expect anything special for me, the fact that banners have been placed on doors this week makes me a little sad.
Dinner consisted of yummy take-home Chinese with my baby and then off to bed. I realize it wasn't a major birthday, but a solo birthday wasn't a desire either. I think it would have been better had I known that Matt was auditioning having advanced. Oh, well. If that's the worst thing that happens, I'm in pretty good shape.

So now...

2009-01-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of things going on in my mind. With Matt's recent trip to DC for the Air Force Band audition, I prepared myself to move and start yet another chapter of our lives. Since that didn't work, I feel like I'm rewinding a little and trying to figure out when and if we'll be making plans like that again. He wants to put all of his energy into his recital and get that out of the way and then go from there. In the mean time, my future has been on my mind a lot. I'm not sure what I'll be doing next, but I think that I'd really like to teach. In fact, when I saw a job opening last week in LA, I didn't just skim over the requirements and press delete, I actually read it and have given it some serious thought. My only personal limitations are that I don't think I've had enough teaching experience. The only problem is, I don't really have any avenue for gaining that experience and thus begins my internal dialogue. I'm still trying to figure out the whole PhD thing: what I want to do and if I want to go through with it. I think taking this class this semester will help me have a better idea of whether this is something I want to persue now or wait a while longer. With Matt not knowing what he's going to do or where he's going to do it, I feel like I should continue to think it through.

Bring on the fam!

2008-12-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

I am so, so, so, so, so excited for our Christmas travels!! I have been counting down the days until we get to leave. I am excited for the drive, the food and the hugs. Yeah, the presents will be nice, I guess, but I just want my family.
I get a little "girl time" tomorrow with Molly before we have Matt's concert and then the travels begin. I hope the roads stay clear and our travel goes quickly (and that my patience holds out until we do get there).

Update

2008-12-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in forever, yet I feel like I've had so much going on in my head that I wanted to write about. I'm completely smitten with my girl, which I guess any mother should be. The transition back to work has been challenging at times, but has gotten better. There are still a few frustrations that I thought would be gone when students left, but they have managed to stick around and make me a little more nuts than I should let them. Still, they'll be over soon enough...I hope. I am excited that I get to see my girl every day and that makes it easier for me to do the full-time gig. Time is really flying by for me. It's hard to believe that a year ago today Matt and I found out Neala was coming. It seems like it wasn't that long ago.
Now I have a list in my head of things I can do one-handed and/or while holding/feeding a baby:
1. send an email
2. browse the internet (with my toes, actually)
3. brush my hair
4. brush my teeth (spitting out the toothpaste without hitting her is the hard part)
5. slice a tomato
6. make sandwich out of aforementioned tomato
7. make a bottle (formula or factory)
8. carve a pumpkin
I know there are more, but that's all I can remember for now. I'm sure I'll update this list as time goes by.
The two of us travelled to St. Louis. I knew it was going to be a test of either stupidity or craziness. Luckily for me, it was the latter. She rode the whole way without any fussiness and was a huge hit with all the ladies in attendance and got lots of love. Even the employees in the hotel restaurant wanted to take turns holding her. Not such a bad thing when they only option is a buffet. I haven't been able to add that to my list of one-handed tricks...yet.
My brain has stopped functioning. Time for bed (yes, it's early).
Blessings to you all!
gin

another avenue for my ocd-ness

2008-10-27T19:04:00.000-07:00

Since moving to IC I have developed a few different ways to channel my OCD. First, I was crocheting--mostly scarves--which served me well since it was so freakin' cold compared to what we were used to winters feeling like. Then 2 years later, I transitioned to cross-stitch, which I still enjoy, especially for making Christmas stockings for friends and family. They are gifts that can last for much longer than a scarf.

Last Thursday I went to a beginning scrapbookers class. I have never been to a class and always figured it would be much more difficult, so I thought I would give it a try. The main purpose to make Neala's baby book be not boring. The problem is, I enjoyed it more than I thought and have decided to expand my page making past the 2 from the class and may have gone a little overboard. I bought 2 albums (1 for the cards we received for Neala and 1 for the actual pictures of Neala), 1 pack of paper, 2 packs of cardstock, extra page protectors, and a die cutting machine. Yes, I'm a dork, but at least I'm a creative dork. In the mean time I still need to finish 3 stockings for friends (hopefully getting at least one of them done by Christmas--maybe if I got off the computer while Neala was sleeping...).

Off to be crafty...

I could cry...

2008-10-09T13:23:00.001-07:00

and probably should. Part of it is sleep deprivation, part is hormones, and part is stress. This I know.
Last night I got a little over 4 hours of sleep. Hormones are a given for me right now.
The stress is the only thing I wish were absent, rather the cause of the stress. Gma-Hoof (as I lovingly refer to her, for her ability to insult anyone, anywhere, at any time and not even realize it) has been having what we believe to be mini-strokes. Several times she's had CTs and yesterday an MRI. Each time the doctors are able to find nothing. Basically, we have to wait for her to have a full-on stroke with who knows what end result. While I realize she is going to be 91 on December 1, the waiting game seems so very hard for me. Afterall, she is the only "original" grandparent I have left and, despite her ability to crush my ego with the fewest of words, I love her so very, very much.
So while I could blame it all on hormones, it really is the sound of my heart breaking that is making me cry.

Oh what a beautiful morning

2008-09-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

My morning, thus far...

It was nice while it lasted.

Blessings

2008-09-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

Last Friday 2Bit and I went to the mall to, um, "walk around." There was a bit of shopping to be done, but nothing too damaging to our bank accounts. While we were walking through JC Penney, Neala started fussing a bit so I picked her up. As we left the Baby section to scout out a feeding location, a sweet lady walked by and said "Oh, that's a new baby." I responded and we talked for a few minutes while the lady admired my little one. As we ended our brief conversation, instead of saying "Have a nice day" or some other typical concluding statement she said "Blessings."
That struck me as a wonderful thing to say. I think I'll keep that in my vernacular for future baby interactions or, for any conversation.

Blessings!

almost a month

2008-09-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

With 3 1/2 weeks down, my little one has kept me busy with some freaking out here and there. After spending time in the NICU and learning more than I cared to know, I think we've finally got it figured out. "They" say breastfeeding is natural. Yeah, it's not; "they" are wrong. The act of the body producing milk for breastfeeding: Yes, that's natural. The transfer from mother to baby: not so much. Still I think we've figured it out...finally.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is share pure cuteness. Little Miss Neala apparently loves her new bear and one afternoon last week, after a lovely nap, decided to talk to her. So enjoy the cuteness.

She's here! She's here!

2008-08-15T08:15:00.001-07:00

My beautiful baby girl, Neala Kathleen, arrived one week ago today. It's hard to believe it has already been a week. Time has flown by.
She is such a beautiful, sweet baby with my temper (watch out world) and the ability to scream like a banshee. She's learning to sleep more at night, which I greatly appreciate, but prefers to cuddle.
Matt is adjusting very well and quickly. I didn't think it would be possible, but the first time I saw him hold our daughter in his arms, I loved him so much more. I really thought my heart would burst. Just the thought of that moment makes me emotional. I'll blame part of that on hormones.

The family is/was a huge help. Matt's folks started driving from AL as soon as they knew the hospital was keeping me. They arrived shortly before lunch on Friday, having stopped in St. Louis after 11 hours of driving. Mom was initially accepting of the fact that she would not be there for the birth, but somehow between the phone call to tell her we were going to the hospital and Matt's trip to get our stuff out of the car, she managed to get her flight changed and arrived by 6 o'clock that night, still worried she would miss the big event. Luckily, Miss Neala is all about timing and gave Grandma C 6 extra hours of waiting. My dad will be coming in next weekend and my sister will follow on Labor Day. Matt's brother may come another weekend after that. I'm pretty sure it will all be a blur, but a happy blur.

4 days to go...

2008-08-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited to finally meet the munchkin that has been beating me from the inside-out, but I'm a little apprehensive about what is going to happen once s/he arrives. I really have enjoyed being pregnant. I don't have any real complaints about any of my experiences. Yes, some have been unpleasant at times, but they were so temporary. My greatest source of excitement, besides seeing what this little one looks like and who s/he resembles, is for Matt to get to hold this baby in his arms. I want to see the look on his face when he holds him/her for the first time.
I feel like I've been experiencing all the fun; interacting with kicks and pushes. So I can't wait to see what happens once he gets to interact, too.

This past weekend, we had a lot of fun. Matt's friend, Josh, was in town travelling from Chicago back to Arkansas. We had dinner with him two nights with the typical conversations (conversation was mostly trombone--okay, it was almost all trombone). Sunday my sweet, brilliant friend BB came into town, which was celebrated with a potluck and Beth & Drew's. It was a wonderful time with a house full of equally wonderful people.

Saturday morning, my buddy Brian took some pictures of me and Matt at the park. I wanted a few "belly pictures" (covered with clothing, though). The pictures turned out really well, even though I didn't like my puffy face in a few. Still, there are some real winners and I fully intend to have them framed in my house.

I have good friends. :-)

It's that time again...JibJab is baaack!

2008-07-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

Hooray for JibJab and their newest contribution to the upcoming election. I can't wait to see what's next. 'Cause Times, they are a changing. :-) I heart JibJab!

1 month to go...

2008-07-13T05:52:00.001-07:00

Granted, as of today, it's the month of February (not on a leap year). I can't believe it's gone this quickly and, somewhat surprisingly, I'm in no hurry for it to end any time soon. Yes, I am excited to meet BabyD and learn about him/her but right now Matt is in California for a Brass Workshop--or I have been calling it: band camp. He has been gone since Monday night and will not return until next Sunday (for a total of 12 days), which has been a cause for a little anxiety for both of us. Of course, I do get tickled when he asks me how the baby's doing every time he calls. In my head I'm thinking, "wiggling around, right where you left him/her." I still enjoy knowing that my baby is tucked safely away and I really don't feel that greedy about keeping all that kicking, turning and wiggling to myself...at least not yet.

Sydne is doing better. Her knee is healing really well and the fur is starting to grow back, but the shaved leg is still quite obvious. We are still having to limit her activities, so she's been trapped in the "den" of our house, especially since she believes herself to be back to full capacity. As a result, Matt and I have been sleeping downstairs. In the past week, I have been alternating between the floor and the couch (depending on thunderstorms) so that she won't try to venture up the stairs and so she doesn't have to sleep in her crate.

Today I am having a surprise wedding shower for two of our friends who are getting married in Hawaii. Casey, Matt's buddy, and I are collaborating on it. He's in charge of the grill and I'm doing everything else, which is perfectly fine with me. Of course, I'm not currently on schedule because I only did the grocery shopping yesterday and didn't clean anything in the house that I wanted to. Instead, I spent several hours trying to convince myself that I wanted to cook, clean, shop, etc. And, of course, now I'm writing rather than doing any of those things. Still, I have about 4-5 hours, so I should be fine. The house isn't a complete mess and the things I have to do won't take that long.

IC is slowly coming back following the flood. The clean-up is obvious everywhere but no one is sure which businesses will be coming back and which have been close indefinitely. The School of Music is closed for the year, the Art Museum is going to move to a new location, and the entire arts campus will be spread across the whole of the city: arts studios at the old Menards, music classes in every church in the city, and lessons in professors' homes. It will definitely be an interesting year.

oh my, to catch up...

2008-06-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

So many things have happened and I have so much to share...
I am now up to week 33, which is pretty darn good and, yes, I'm getting big. As the floating baby (which totally freaks Megs out--teehee) shows, I have less than 50 days to go until the kiddo gets here and I keep getting bigger. This is probably one of the few times in my life in which I won't complain about an expanding waistline.

Two weeks ago, IC was hit with horrible, horrible rain and flooding. As a result, I spent that Monday moving musical instruments from the MT "closet" to the offices of Drs. A & G. The ironic part of it is that we were told it would most likely not be necessary to do only to be notified 3 days later that everything in the music building needed to be moved due to fear of 4.5 feet of water on the first floor, 4.5 FEET! So it was another time in my life that I'm glad I didn't listen to someone who was in charge because they would have been very wrong and it would have been a very expensive "learning experience" (as Dr A calls them). So we moved almost every single musical instrument out of that closet (except a few plastic things that would not be affected by water and could be cleaned with clorox) on a giant percussion cart, in about 5 loads via the freight elevator. We did sacrifice one guitar to the River Gods, but only because it was really broken and needed lots of work.

Thursday of that week I trekked down to Charleston, SC for a girls' weekend we had planned for months. The timing was just amazing. I left Thursday (they closed the interstate on Friday) and got to spend some great quality time with Bev and Amy. Friday we slept late, ate at IHOP, got massages and facials (oh, the happy memory), went on a Ghost Tour of the Charleston jail on Friday, the 13th mind you and ate yummy, yummy food. Saturday we went to see Sex and the City: The Movie. Though I never watched the show, I did enjoy the movie. Of course, it could have partly been the hormones, but I kinda wept through the second half of the movie. This is where the plans changed...

Instead of coming back to IC on Sunday and spending Saturday afternoon at the beach, I was stuck in the South for a bit longer. (Now, that's not such a bad thing and AirTran was super-fantastic about helping me get my tickets rearranged.) Because of the flooding, the interstate from the airport to IC was closed, which meant that I could either fly home on Sunday at my designated time and spend who knows how many days in a hotel until the road was opened or change my ticket. So after explaining the situation to the airline associate and stating I'd have to charter a boat to get home from the airport the same day as my arrival, my flight was changed to the following Saturday and I had to figure out what to do for the next 6 or so days. Luckily, Amy still lives in our hometown so after the movie, and a bit of shopping, we hopped in the car and headed to her in-laws home in Holden Beach to meet up with her cutie-patootie husband and little boy. We headed out of Holden at 3 a.m. for the drive home and 5 hours later rolled into town with a very unhappy 13-month old (he was ready to be out of the car). From there on, it was a week of quality time with Mom, Dad & Jo, Marc, Challen and Maddox, and other friends from home I have missed dearly.

Meanwhile, on the homefront, the flooding continuously got worse. My beloved IC and C'ville strip became a river, destroying many businesses that may not come back and university buildings that will needs months to be repaired. The pictures I was able to find online paled in comparison to the reality my friends back here were experiencing. I know that I will never truly understand how completely horrific it was because I was in NC and only had the "virtual" experience. In addition, my sweet, sweet Sydne tore her doggie ACL and had to have surgery to repair the damage, which sent pangs of guilt through my heart because I was so far away and unable, once again, to do anything.

This past Saturday, I finally got home. It has been surreal to see all the various businesses closed and muddied, to try to traverse the roads to work, to get everything else caught up, and take care of my husband and puppy. Syd-dog is slowly getting better. She has more energy, which means we have to encourage her to lay down and stay calm. Ice cream has been a good incentive. Dad and Jo are coming in for a baby shower this weekend so they'll get to see some of the remnants first-hand. It should be a good time especially when they haven't been here since 2006.

We also started our MT sessions with the kiddos at the Speech and Hearing Center today, which was fantastic! I love working with them and seeing all the progress they make over the course of 6 weeks working with us and the SLP students. It's a busy, busy time and I'm loving every minute.

When Momma C comes to visit...

2008-05-21T15:48:00.001-07:00

Things get done! In a hurry!

Mom came to visit last Thursday, our first visit since she game in Dec '06. It was the first time she got the see the house and first time she'd seen us since Christmas. Needless to say, there were some slight changes in my figure and other fun things.
Mom got here Thursday night when we joined miss Molly on her 25th birthday. We had an excellent dinner of yummy Japanese food followed by chill time for Mom and me and then some emptying of the nursery, which more closely resembled a room struck by a tornado. Friday, the three of us (or four, if you count BabyD) went for my doctor's visit and then went out to lunch. When we got home, our changing table had arrived (woohoo!) and then a trip to Lowe's to pick out paint and all the necessities. When we got home from Lowe's, the crib and mattress had arrived, making it a wonderful present day. That created even more urgency for me to have the nursery set up. The taping and painting began, which resulted in my prompt removal from the room. At the end of day one (Friday), it looked like this:

Saturday morning, we went to the Oto baby shower. Mom got to meet the great ladies I work with, which was a wonderful time for both of us. I got wonderful gifts from my coworkers and friends. Mom displayed yet another talent and excitement about the new BabyD with another display of her knitting prowess. It was too cute.

After the shower, it was back to work. I grabbed a blade and started taking the extra paint off the baseboards; Mom grabbed a paint brush. After dinner, it was crib assembly time, then off to bed.

Sunday we took Mom out for breakfast and then came home to give the room it's finishing touches. By Sunday afternoon, the nursery was finished, at least as much as we have right now.

As Matt put it when talking to one of our friends, she "cracked the whip." I love it when she does that. :-)

Can't believe there's only 80 days (or so) to go until BabyD gets here! I feel like I have so much more to write, but the cold I caught has decreased my verbal skills, at least for now.

peace, love, happiness!

Lots of breathing

2008-05-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

Today required a lot of breathing, some to relax and some of relief, all to do with work.
With the end of the semester quickly approaching I have been working on everyone's schedules, including my own, trying to make sure everything is lined-out and ready to go. Planning for the summer has been interesting. With the smaller patient load this year, there have been fewer patients to test. Yet, as the summer approaches, many different programs always appear to pick up. Until this afternoon, we had one potential student who wanted to work and even then I wasn't sure that would work. Now we have two other potential students to work, both of whom will need to be trained on how to do everything on our team--for a month. The only real bonus for me is that one of them has completed all of her practical experience which will help in our summer kiddo program and planning. (deep breath)
Then there's the thorn in my side (but only for 5 more weeks). I simply don't know what to do. I feel like I'm doing so much for her that I don't want to help her anymore. But in the same respect, I want her done and gone. Now, with a month before she's really gone, nothing is done compared to what needs to be completed. And now she's expected to do nothing else at work, but try to accomplish the impossible, which means her duties will passed on to me. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have almost every hour of work time available for just that. (another deep breath).
A good thing is that we finally got our galley proofs, the ones that should have been here in December. The only problem is that, despite the fact they arrived, 5 months late, we have until Monday to go through them and get them returned. And I'm the one who gets to read through the galleys first to look for the errors all while doing other short-notice errands that must be done in 30 seconds.
But my breath of relaxation came from looking at my current vacation and sick time I've built up and realizing I have saved enough time to cover my leave in August. Talk about a sigh of relief.
Okay, enough fussing and whining...
BabyD is getting bigger, which means so am I. To quote Dr G, I'm "getting more pregnant every day" which is funny because I hope I am. :-)
That's all. Real update to come!

Oh, baby

2008-04-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Last week we reached our half-way point for BabyD to make his/her arrival. We had our ultrasound and aside from my child being less than cooperative, things were once again "perfect" (not my term, but that's what the pros said). All appears to be going well in the baby-cooking department. And, no, we didn't find out boy or girl, just that there is a shy baby with a beautiful spine a-growin'. We weren't able to get a profile shot of the kiddo, per the previously mentioned lack of cooperation. Instead, we have a full-on face shot, which I think looks a little like Skeletor (only cuter, 'cause it's my kid).

In the past week I've had much more fun getting kicked, which brightens my day. And I'm preparing for 2 weeks of conferences. Tomorrow, I head to Chicago for the MT conference and Wednesday of next week I'm off to sunny San Diego for a CI conference. I'm actually looking forward to both, but for different reasons. I want to go to Chicago to see friends I haven't seen in quite a while; not that thrilled about the actual MT sessions and such. For San Diego, well, it's San Diego--filled with fun parties and an ocean view. Then there's the professional stuff, which seems more intellectually appealing than Chicago (not good considering my profession is MT--oh well, I always enjoy Nationals more anyway).

On a happy note, Spring has finally arrived and by "Spring" I mean consecutive days above 40 degrees and thunderstorms. Oh, how I love thunderstorms. Something about the rumbles of thunder, flashes of lightening, and torrential downpours soothes me. All I need is a tin roof next to a window and I could sleep/relax for hours. I do love the sunshine of spring, though, so maybe we could have the thunderstorms in the evening and the sun during the day... just not every day. Now to see if any of my tulips have survived the move...

-peace and love!

(insert witty title here)

2008-02-29T08:04:00.000-08:00

So apparently, Spring does not want to come to the Midwest in any sort of speedy fashion. We got yet more snow last night with a little more predicted on Sunday (and freezing rain tomorrow morning, oh joy). As a result things in our house are pretty much the status quo. I have started to get more energy. I'm cleaning more often, which amazing Matt undoes in record time. I spent 2 hours at the mall on Sunday and didn't need a nap when I got home, which is a huge accomplishment (and a rather sad commentary on my current level of endurance). Of course, this morning, while in the shower, I felt the need to encourage the sweet hubby to purchase toilet wands because I obviously feel the need to clean the bathrooms this weekend, top to bottom.

On a funny note, one day this week one of the ladies I work with was chatting with me, when she made an excited statement about the fact that not only is my belly getting larger, but apparently my "endowment fund" has also increased (she actually said they had gotten huge). It made me a little self-conscious for the moment, but then when I looked at a picture Matt took of me last week, I think she might be right. I look like I'm just busting out all over, not that I mind. It's just a new development--no pun intended. Of course, Matt isn't going to complain. What man would?

We also got to hear bambino's heartbeat again this week. It was a "perfect" 159 according to our midwife. And, in my normal preparatory manner, I asked what to expect for our next visit and when I'd get to see the smiling face of the miniDrisc. So next visit, March 24, we get to have a sonagram to check out the development and see the bambino in black and white. What a fun time that will be!

Ahh-lastic

2008-02-20T15:56:00.000-08:00

Five years ago, the thought of elastic waistbands were reserved for my various athletic activities. If the word "ball" wasn't included in the title (volleyball, softball, football, etc.), elastic was not part of my wardrobe. I would even turn my nose up at pretty pants because, ugh, they had elastic on the back waistband. Hear that sound? That is the sound of Ginny changing her tune...lah-lah-laaaaah!

Saturday, wonderful Jana brought 2 16-gallon tubs of maternity clothes and I had a grand time washing many loads of clothes. (She has wonderful taste.) Yesterday, I received 2 new pairs of pants I ordered online. And now that my waist is expanding (no, it doesn't have to do with sour cream and onion dip---entirely), I am enjoying the gifted and purchased clothes. Not until Sunday did I realize how much I now love elastic waistbands. They truly make me smile. The only thing I have to get used to is the absence of belt loops, which I know are completely unnecessary for elastic pants, but the perfect spot for hanging my keys when I'm at work. A small price to pay for amazing, and cute, comfort.

Baby's first booties

2008-02-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

No. My mom isn't excited about being a grandmother at all. In fact, she's so unenthused, she made the baby some booties. Poor baby.

The Spoils of Baby-dom

2008-02-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

I am so excited about Bambino Drisc! And that was before I started getting fun goodies. This weekend sweet, sweet Molly and Rachel gave us a Diaper Champ. Matt was so excited he joked about trying it out. Today, I got my diaper bag, made with love by Mary (our departmental quilting guru). I was so excited I ran around the department to show it off. And tonight, it got the "wag" of approval from my puppy. I have such good friends!

Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!

2008-02-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

It is snowing...again. Or maybe I should say...still. As of 11-ish this morning, we had 7.3 inches and it's been coming down in a horizontal manner. I mean, I love snow. It usually makes me smile. But multiple feet of snow for multiple days is more than I can handle and while I could conceivable try get to work, I really don't want to risk the frustration or danger of driving on the roads. Our streets haven't even been plowed since before dawn. Matt has plowed our driveway twice and you can't even tell.

He did earn some super brownie points by helping one of our new neighbors clear off their driveway this morning. The neighbors moved in a few weeks after we did and are both 80+ years old. He's such a good boy.

Still, the snow can stop now. Seriously, it can stop. I mean it!
I'm done whining now. Hope you're enjoying 60+ degrees and sun!

Stupid Whistlepig!

2008-02-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

Once again, Punxsutawney Phil crept from his hole and saw his shadow. This almost immediately had an effect in the ole' Midwest. Yesterday, in a 4-hour span, we got 8 inches of snow. EIGHT! C'mon, Phil! Don't you think we've had enough?!
This wouldn't be so bad, I'm sure, if I weren't missing the sun and it's magnificent rays. Alas, they are to be hidden until Friday (or so). Granted, it is not frigidly cold outside; it is 2 degrees above freezing. Yet, that isn't enough to quelch my desire for Spring. I want to be able to open the windows in my home and feel the beautiful calming breeze of Spring.
Yet the whistlepig (my mother's name for groundhog) could not deliver. Wonder if he (or his handlers) accept bribery for next year's prediction. Hey, it's worth a shot!

Gushing

2008-01-28T16:49:00.000-08:00

I have the need to gush. I have been biding my time, trying oh-so-hard to keep my mouth shut (not doing a really good job of it), but today was a great day and I want to gush. So I'm gonna!

Today I got to hear my baby's heartbeat. It was a wonderful 163, which I was told is good. If only there had been a video camera in the room to capture my response. I think it could be likened to the 3 or 4-year-old who experiences a surprise from Santa. It was classic. Matt's response was great, too. He couldn't believe how quickly the midwife found the heartbeat and admitted in the hallway that what he really wanted to do was exclaim "Holy Shit!" He's got such great sentiments.

Okay, so I'm done gushing. Everybody who reads my blog already knows, but it feels great to gush.
Now to tell Dr G.....

Life is good

2008-01-19T11:36:00.001-08:00

Catching up on the remainder of the Christmas gatherings...

It is safe to say a good time was had by all. While we didn't have the family "Guesstures" tournament of years past, we still managed to have a very good time. Because this was the first Christmas for Laura and Chris as married folk, we had to rearrange how things were done. Matt and I kept up the same routine we've done, but had to adapt to the new family schedules. I thought we handled it pretty well, for the most part. Marc and Challen came down to the KM family gathering and brought Mad-dog (my dad's nickname for Maddox). We had a delicious lunch and our family Gift Game where more presents were worth fighting over than in years gone by. My dad actually brought a belly-dancing book/CD as his contribution and almost ended up taking it home. After 3 hours of KM fun (2 hours longer than normal), we went to Marc and Challen's house to share their presents since they weren't up for trips all around NC. After the giftage, we to Dad and Jo's for further indulgences. Once there we got to meet up with Laura and Chris for more family fun. Each couple got their Yellowstone picture and, of course, Dad really wants a copy of Marc and Challen's so I'll have to look and see what size looks best (he, of course, wants a HUGE copy).

Happy/sad report

2008-01-10T08:25:00.001-08:00

Happy in a selfish way; sad for the rest of the IC world who will never know the joy.
http://www.dreamcoatcakes.com/

Catching up

2008-01-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

I am so woefully behind in blogging, but most likely because so much has been going on. (the excitement of the holidays).
Matt and I added yet another nephew to our mix on December 11. Of course, both families are completely ga-ga over their respective new members. Who could really blame them, right?
Our Christmas "vacation" began on the 21st with a 10 1/2 hour drive to Tennessee to see Matt's Grandma. The best part was the drive occurred sans music/radio.
Back story: I have a Theftlock system on my car, which means if anyone should choose to steal my radio and put it into another vehicle, it wouldn't work without the unlock code. This tool also goes into action in the event the battery is disconnected and/or dies. Well, my car had to have a new multi-sensor put in, which resulted in the battery being disconnected from the radio and, being that I programmed the code into the car 4+ years ago, I didn't remember the code. Thus, the radio, CD player or anything hooked up to the speakers in my car would not work.
The drive to TN wasn't so bad for me, mostly because I slept most of it and because we got pretty punchy at times and made up songs about the towns we were in. My favorite was for Paducah, but I couldn't tell you what it is now. Saturday we headed to TN to see the Fam-in-laws; 5 hours later, we arrived (still no music)--again I slept. (I love the relief of vacation, even in a car.) We spent two great days with Matt's family and sang Jingle Bells about 400 times for Callie and got pee-ed on by Bryce (a true sign of love).

Next, we headed out to Hickory. We got to Mom's on Christmas Eve around 4, but still needed to run a few errands so Matt and I headed out to Target. Once there, we wrapped up our last-minute needs, hopped in the car, turned the key--nothing happened. From there I realized that I both love the South more than I dislike it. Afterall, we had almost a dozen people offer to jump my car (didn't work), one lady even gave us a card for a tow truck, and only one person gave me an ugly look for my car taking up two spaces. You see, we had to push my car out of the space to try to jump it because my cables were too short to stretch from my battery to the car next to me (opposite sides). Once we pushed it back in, I ended up straddling two parking spaces, prime spots for the Target entrance at 5 pm on Christmas Eve. Excellent. So step-daddy came to the rescue. We emptied everything from the Grand Prix into the truck after he affirmed that my battery was infact completely dead. (Good thing I didn't unlock the radio, huh?) Off we ran to get a new battery at 5:45 on Christmas Eve. We ran into our second auto parts store at 5:53 (they closed at 6) and bought the battery. Then off to Mom's for dinner because it was too dark to put the battery in now. After dinner, we had presents. The highlight of every year is Abby's Christmas present. Every year it's a ball and every year my mom gives great play-by-play. Followed by dessert...mmmm...chocolate.

Darnell, McRee, Brake Christmas update still to go...

Souping it up

2007-12-08T13:16:00.000-08:00

Grandma's big Nine-Oh went off without a hitch. We had a great time and she enjoyed the surprises, despite her initial protest. I got to Baltimore and met up with 2bit and Chris. Boomer was also with them and very excited to meet me (and smell Sydne). We made it to Gma-Hoof's by 3 the next day and called her from the driveway. She didn't realize we were there until we were standing right in front of her window and had to tell her she could hang up the phone. :)

Friday night we went out to dinner at my uncle's favorite restaurant where I remembered the joys of fresh crab meat and scallops. Saturday was Gma-Hoof's surprise party, which worked out well because we managed to get her out of the house and set up the table so that when she got home, it was ready to go. She came in and saw me with the camera before she saw the table with the cake, punch, and other treats and immediately started fussing at mom because she "didn't want a big reception." Needless to say, once friends and family arrived she was the perfect social butterfly and loved every minute of it. Now, I figured dinner out and a party would take care of the birthday surprise, but no, there was more. Mom remembered that Gma-Hoof loved lobster and, once the party crowd cleared out, dinner preparations began with lobster tails for all. Once again, she was pleasantly surprised and asked whether she should expect any more surprises. We assured her that was the end and, when I talked to her on Wednesday, she was still "recuperating" from her parties and talking about how we managed to surprise her so many times. This past week was, well, cold. The weather has turned much colder; snow and ice have fallen with more expected today and tomorrow. As a result, I turned to soup and am trying my hand at winging it on vegetable soup. I figure if you put water, and vegetables in a pot for long enough, it has to be good. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

9-Oh!

2007-11-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

Saturday is Grandma Hoof-n-Mouth's 90th birthday. So tomorrow I'm flying to Baltimore where 2bit will pick me up and take me to her new home. Hopefully, I get a little quality time with the SecretBro and Boomer (the new doggie in the family). Friday we head for Wakefield to surprise Gma-Hoof with a fun family visit and birthday party. I know she's not expecting me; I'm not so sure about 2bit's arrival being as much of a surprise. Despite the festivities planned, I am still bracing myself for a repeat of the verbal attacks from 2bit's wedding time. With or without the verbal banter, there should be good stories to report upon my return.

Catchin' up

2007-11-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

In the last few weeks, I've been up to a million things and loving them all.

After Momma D was discharged we got to spend a few more days together before they flew home and I headed to the AMTA national conference in Louisville.
Time there was fun, but I worked harder than I have in a long time. Each day was 6 a.m.-ish until well after midnight. The University was well-represented with alums and current students. Still, despite the work, Meganne and I found ways to have fun and coffee, with our last night spent in an embroiled
battle of scrabble.

Plus, while I was in Lu-ih-vul my prediction came true. My beautiful nephew arrived...dimples and all (though I haven't seen the dimples yet). Welcome, Maddox Joseph!

The drive home was uneventful, that is until I got to town and encountered not one, but three, accidents within a mile of each other at my exit to get home.

Thursday brought fun in the form of friends and lots of food, but with the price of a damn early start (and a white Thanksgiving). Matt wanted to smoke the turkey using his fancy-shmancy grill. That required a 5:30 a.m. start; a start on which I was not planning as the thought of sleeping until 9 was firmly cemented in my head. Instead, I woke up and helped him make the brine, wash the bird and get the grill going.
At 6:30, the bird was on the grill and, being filled with coffee, I could no longer return to bed. Instead, I made the rest of the food I hadn't prepped the day before. The result of all the cooking and food from friends equalled one hell of a spread.

This was followed by a good nap, playing with a beautiful baby, and a heated game of Cranium, which we won. Then we sent home left-overs for all to enjoy. We did, however, end up with all of the desserts. Wonder how that happened...

Back home

2007-11-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

Momma D was discharged this morning. Fully dressed in sweats with fun slippers, no more IVs, no more JP drains and just antibiotics to take, she is glad to be home. Sydne was more than thrilled to have her Grandma D back.

Now she's content and has a belly full of treats thanks to Grandpa Pat...

Extended house guests

2007-11-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

Today was SO much better than yesterday. Momma D had a bit of nausea this morning, but it was quickly averted with meds. I had to head down to the office while Matt and Pat kept her company. I got a call around 12 that Pat was hungry and would like to grab some lunch, so I grabbed Molly and up we went. Momma D looked fantastic and had been up, gotten a shower and was feeling much better. She actually told Pat to call me and go for lunch. Once we got back, she decided to go for a walk and made it to the first exit sign (about 50 yards from her room). Then she was ready for a nap so I sneaked back to the office. After work I went back to her room to get Pat so he could come home and take a shower (he stayed all night) and get some dinner. She had gone for yet another walk and added about 20 more yards in distance and had a visit from 2 different pastors. So she's extra blessed today and feeling 100 times better. The ARNP stopped by said she could probably go home Friday or Saturday, but unable to travel for as much as 10 days. They were a bit shocked at the length of time, but more worried they'll make us nuts by being here so long. I'm just glad that everything is looking up for them. They can stay with us 'til the cows come home.
Peace and health

Update on Momma D

2007-11-06T17:59:00.000-08:00

First, Matt passed the recital...YEAH! Diane came through the surgery with flying colors, she was doing well, in some pain, but everything was being handled through TONS of IVs. She slept well last night and was ready to go this morning, getting up for a walk shortly after we got there and planning on a day of Jell-o and other clear liquids. I headed down to work to test my patient and then went back up. Problem was, the upswing had stopped, she had been feeling pretty nauseous after trying to eat and got sick on her clothes and the bed. Bring on the phenergen, which made her sleep. The good part was the catheter was removed so that increased her comfort, but the rest has stagnated. She hasn't been able to get up and walk, save going to the bathroom, which is still progress, but the phenergen didn't work long enough causing other anti-nausea meds to be brought on board, and her fever from last night came back. On a positive note, her white blood count went back to normal (9,500). Now we just need the nausea to stop.

Damn!

2007-11-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

So the happy-go-lucky time with the in-laws has taken an unexpected turn. Pat and Diane got here Friday night, all was right with the world. We got up Saturday, did our "thang" and after lunch Diane started to feel a little puny so while Matt and Pat went for pizza I fixed her some chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese. We stocked up on crackers and all the standard "feel better" foods. Yesterday she seemed to perk up a bit, we went to lunch, to the mall and to Lowes then came home. She went back to the couch and curled up again, but said she was feeling a bit better. At dinner she couldn't eat, not even bread and started having really bad stomach pain so the whole clan got in the car and headed to the ER. Around 10 Pat came out and told us to go home and he would call us when they were ready to be picked up. At 12:30-ish Matt decided to go back to the hospital since he hadn't heard anything. He came home at 1:30 and woke me (I fell asleep somehow, not sure how) to tell me Diane was going to have surgery in the next bit because she had appendicitis. Holy cow!
Fast forward to this morning: While I was getting ready for work (only about 4 hours) Pat called and told us she had yet to go into surgery, but would be doing so shortly. As soon as I got to work, I headed up to her room and caught them in transit to the OR and walked with her to the pre-op area until they wheeled her away. After surgery the Doc came out and told us she had a perforated, gangrenous appendix. Yes, gangrenous! The perforation has allowed some fecal matter into her abdomen so now we have to wait and see if it has affected any other organs. She's going to be in the hospital at least another day while we watch her organs and her white cell count (it's about 7,000 too high).
And did I mention, tonight is Matt's recital?!
Please send happy thoughts...lots of them

Happy Birthday * 2

2007-11-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

Matt turned 31, Sydne turned 5 (or 35 in dog years). I'd say they both enjoyed it.

Relaaaaxing

2007-11-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

Now that all the presentations are done, the abstracts submitted, the house almost clean (well, it will be eventually), I am finally stress-free, back to my OCD on cross-stitch self. It's such a great feeling. I also got my ego boost from Dr G. The ego that was bruised so many weeks/months ago was now stroked for the hard work and dedication. I guess the next time I start to whine, I need to remember, the good part will come, too...eventually.
Happy thoughts all the way around--

Almost Halloween Humbug

2007-11-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

Now this isn't something I would expect in the great state of Iowa. South of the Mason Dixon, yes, but Iowa, no.
Good thing our Governor is on his toes! I'm also glad I bought my pumpkin from a roadside vendor (i.e., homegrown) and not from a chain.
Maybe we'll get taxed on Apples, Eggs, and other assorted items that can double as decoration...
Then these poor kids!! Geez!
Ah bureaurcratcs are fun!

Holy Halloween, Batman!

2007-10-31T19:04:00.000-07:00

Batman's probably the only character that didn't knock on our door tonight (except I live with him so no problem), but I did have Nemo, Squirt, Jeff Gordon and Dog the Bounty Hunter. There's something to be said for the creativity in this neighborhood. :-) Poor Syd-dog did not get a good costume this year like 2 years ago, but I don't think she minded too much.
And I am definitely glad that the day is winding down. I went through a roller coaster ride of cortisol today. I had a presentation to give to at The Nest to prenatal and postnatal mothers (and fathers) and was given the age range of 15-30 for the parents. Yesterday, LJ was really helpful as I pulled the curtains away from my eyes and talked to people I knew were moms, including my own mom (duh! Why didn't I do that a month ago?!). Work also had a few additional stresses, with the deadline for the call for papers looming over our heads (it's tomorrow). We have 5 studies to submit and don't have all of our analyses completed, including mine, and no time to collaborate to make sure my submission is coherent. But, hey, as long as my p-values are less than .0001, I'm golden. We also have fewer patients right now and amazingly all of our current projects are up to date with a few new ones started. The databases have been scoured for inaccuracies and corrected and I am literally creating tasks and asking team members for questions they have in search of new projects.
Matt & Syd-dog's bdays are Friday, his parents are coming into town Friday night and his recital is Monday night. While I realize that sounds stressing, I'm actually excited for it and I think I represented Music Therapy pretty well today, which also relaxed the heck out of me.
On the NC Homefront, my sweet Sis-in-law (i.e. Preggers) is now in her 37th week and 1-1/2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Something tells me I might not have to drive home while in Louisville (week before Turkey-day) because Maddox will already be here. Otherwise, I will be making a trip during conference to home to meet my nephew.
Lots of excitement, lots of fun.

I'm over myself now...regular non-pouting life resumed

2007-10-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

The past week was wonderful; busy, but wonderful. One of my favorite BFFs from middle school, Bev, came to visit. While I don't have any photographic evidence we did manage to chill, have good food with good friends, and catch up on old and new times. Dad and Jo were supposed to come last weekend but, again, the airline gods were not in their favor and instead they trekked from home, to the airport, back home. All-in-all, it was probably a good thing because I was dead on Saturday after Bev's 5:30 a.m. flight requiring us to wake up at 3 a.m. (Yes, there is a 3 a.m.; it's dark).
Work has been better. I'm working on an abstract for an International conference. The results of this part will be my second paper submitted for publication and hopefully published. We've been pretty busy since our last conference and it looks like we'll have 5 studies to submit for posters or presentations.
Other than the normal stuff, I've been channeling my OCD into cross stitch. I've finished my dad's Christmas present (need to get it framed) and am working on 1 of 3 projects I have in the works. It's been a lot of fun to see the evolution of a piece of thread on a cloth. I'll post pictures as I finish the projects (I'll have to wait until after Christmas in case Dad happens to read this).
I am also very excited about Halloween coming up. I can't wait to see how the kids in this neighborhood do Halloween. I doubt it will be quite the same as 2 years ago (last year I hid in the basement with the lights out--sad, yes, I know). I also have a presentation that day for prenatal & postnatal women who are in the lower-income areas. I am supposed to talk about Music Therapy and the use of music for bonding between mother and baby. I'm a little nervous and excited about the same time. Plus the In-laws are coming next weekend. Can't wait to see Momma D with hair and no medi-port!
Until then, planning, planning, planning.
Enjoy your day!

Just blah

2007-10-11T13:53:00.001-07:00

Talk about a 180 from yesterday. Today I am experiencing a combination of many emotions: happiness, frustration, anxiety, apathy, sadness to name a few.
Yesterday, one of my coworkers had a beautiful little girl. We anxiously watched their blog all day as they posted various progressions (and non-progressions) throughout the labor. It was wonderful and I was so excited for them. Their little girl arrived at almost 8 p.m. and I was so elated for their new, beautiful, health addition to their family. But almost as quickly as I celebrated for them, I felt a huge sadness come over me (with a bit of pre-emtpive jealousy). While I am so very happy for these 2 amazing people, I ache to have a little one of my own and it's not just the "oh, I 'd like to have a baby one day" kind of feeling. It almost feels like a need to have one. I don't think my life will be any more "complete" perse, I just have an innate feeling to be a mother, to have a little one. And, as more and more of my friends have children and I watch them together, I feel such an emptiness that I can't completely explain.
Work has been a bit frustrating, too, but in a different way than I'm used to experiencing. I'm starting to get more of the beaureaucratic stuff, I loathe. I'm always one who is willing to bend, willing to adapt to help others. But with one of our new projects, we're delving into new territory and I have begun to feel as though some others see my research as inferior. I have actually been involved in a conversation where someone teetered on the edge of the phrase "my research is more important," but it was quickly averted. Right now, I'm just blah and no matter how much I pull on my bootstraps, they just keep stretching...

Submitted, baby!

2007-10-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

I have finally submitted my first manuscript for publication or at least for review (for now. It will be published). The undertaking was a bit more detailed than I remembered, but that is probably because the last submission wasn't mine. For my paper I found something that was wrong 5+ times before I hit submit without fear in my heart. So, to celebrate I took a cake into work. Actually, I got Matt to bring one for me. It was sooo good, but it got everyone wondering what I'm going to do once it's actually published. I'll have to think about that one as I work on paper #2. Soon I'll be able to honestly say that I've been published and not just in college newspapers as responses to editorials and the like, but in a peer reviewed journal that professionals will read (or at least have in a bookcase in their office).
Hope you have something worth smiling about, too!

Nothing special

2007-10-07T18:40:00.001-07:00

The last week hasn't been very remarkable. Work was busy and, while there was a point where a coworker told the Big Boss that he owed me a six-pack, very little else was as challenging.
This weekend was fun and productive, though. Friday night, Matt took me to dinner at a new restaurant. It was pretty good, but I felt guilty about cheating on Devotay--my favorite tappas place in town. The food was good, not as good as Devotay, but Verde (the new place) had a blood orange cheesecake that was delicious and would compete with my tappas love. Another exciting bit (plus a large reason for my productivity) one of my wonderful friends, and former coworkers, came into town and we got a chance to visit for a little while. She had both of her adorable daughters with her. I'd only met one of them when they moved and had a newborn picture of the second, who just turned 1. They were definitely a handful, but it was still a good time and Sydne was a very good puppy. As a result, our house got a thorough cleaning, boxes put away, things thrown out and pictures hung on the wall. Finally, ornamental objects hanging from the walls!!

She's down, but not out

2007-09-25T18:22:00.001-07:00

Mom and I have a had a really good time the last 3 days, though time has flown by. She is definitely a tough woman and hasn't let a single thing get in her way. Mom was especially excited about the possibility of the scooter when we went grocery shopping.
I could not stop from laughing most of the trip, especially when she almost took out a display of wine bottles. Nothing like quality time with Mom...
Drive safely!

Ah, Airports

2007-09-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, they are as much fun as you remember from your childhood... Apparently, no one has had their coffee by 5 a.m. Our flight crew got in late last night so my 6 a.m. flight is now scheduled to depart at 7:20. The poor guys that are in charge of check-in looked so lost, I wondered if it wouldn't be more efficient to figure out how to check myself in (the kiosks didn't work :-)). It looks like I will spend a total of 2 hours only 20 minutes away from my warm, comfy bed, wishing I had stayed so curled up in the covers just a little longer. In the mean time, I'll enjoy people-watching although most are trying to sleep. It could still prove interesting as they try to navigate the oh-so-comfy chairs available.

Yeah, Friday

2007-09-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

I am so glad today is Friday, I could sing it from the rooftops. This week has been good and challenging and busy. I had a moment of pouting yesterday (internally, of course) when my ego was bruised, but I've moved on and gotten over myself. Today, I rebounded with lots of productivity; I finished writing a new computer program for our research team, tested a few people for one of our newer studies (yeah for "normals"), and got everything together for me to be gone. I've decided that I am tired of waiting for feedback that will never come and am going to submit my first article and begin my second one.
Tomorrow I head out to Hky to "take care" of Mom. Turns out she has some plans for me that include keeping her cigar business in order (Matt has already given me orders of what to bring home for him), having a pizza party with her buddy, Joan, and taking her to the doctor. I plan on having a little talk with her doc about prescribing ototoxic meds for her, which, even in small doses, caused some tinnitus. Wanna be how long it takes me to ask him to request an audiogram?
I also started an online course on PHP and SQL on Wednesday, which I am excited to use to turn my Master's project into a more functional, user-friendly version for our patients. I'm in a class full of programmers, tech support people, and web designers. Yeah, I'm the outsider, but I'm excited to have such a large resource from which to draw. It's a wonderful day and I can't complain; I won't complain.
I hope your day is just as good!
Happy Weekend!

Poor Momma

2007-09-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I know which segment of my DNA contained my graceful tendencies (or lack thereof). My sweet, sweet mother came home Friday from another "hard" day at the golf course and took the puppies outside. Good ole' NC finally started getting some much-needed rain and when Momma came back inside with the dogs, she slipped in her flip-flops. Turns out she is an all-or-nothing girl, just like me. She broke and dislocated her ankle, as well as tearing tendons. All this I found out at 10 p.m. Friday night when my sister called to fill me in. Yesterday morning, I got to call and talk to her (in the hospital), only to find out that she was scheduled for surgery at 12:30 and, oh yeah, my step-father is scheduled to fly to Munich in a week for his j-o-b, which will leave my partially-incapacitated mother at home. 2Bit is one week into her new job in DC, Gma-hoof can't get there and while, yes, mom has a lot of friends in the area, I would rather be there to take care of her.
But I did enjoy my mom's story on how *she* told the EMS workers what to do after she pulled herself to the kitchen, called 911, Stepdaddy, and her golf-buddy Andrea to tell her she wouldn't be able to go to Myrtle Beach for the tournament. (She has her priorities in order, for sure) Once EMS arrived, they brought the stretcher to her family room where she told them to stop there and she would come to them (she didn't want her floor or walls scratched). With her injured leg in the air--elementary school crabwalk-style, she pulled herself across the floor to the stretcher. One of the EMS guys told her he was going to pick her up and put her on the stretcher, "Oh, no," she said, "Let me do it." So she lifted herself up and onto the stretcher. Then they brought out an air-cast.
Mom: Don't put that thing on me! --so they didn't.
EMS: But ma'am, we have to stabilize you before we go
Mom: Got a sheet?
EMS: Yeah
Mom: Take the sheet and tie it to the top of the bus and use it as a sling
EMS: But ma'am, we should really...
Mom: No. Just use it as a sling. I'm not bringing my leg any lower.
EMS: Would you like something to take the edge off?
Mom: That would be great--so they gave her some Delaudid
Mom: Okay, guys. You're going to have to hurry up with that sheet, 'cause it's getting harder to hold my leg up.--thus ended the conversation in which my mom, once again, ran the show. The rest of the ride to the hospital consisted of them commending Momma for not crying or screaming or any of that. She simply told them that if she cried, she wouldn't be able to breathe as well, which would make it hurt more. She is one tough lady; that's for sure.

So, for the last several hours, I've been working on figuring out exactly when Stepdaddy leaves for Germany, checking my vacation/sick time at work to make sure I have enough and evaluating the the patient schedule to see if I can get everyone covered. The next step is to buy a plane ticket or just get the car ready for the 11-hour drive home. Honestly, I'd rather drive. I'm just very grateful I have so many great people in my department. Now to get it past Dr G and, if it works out, put all the plans I've made into action.

Be safe walking in flip-flops in the rain! :-)

We're not in Kansas anymore

2007-09-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

Dateline Wednesday: And so we began on our family vacation. I was not exactly what one would call excited, having vivid memories of our last Family Vacay on 2bit's 21st birthday. That trip caught almost every possible element of Murphy's law one could encounter. I'll post that story later.
This trip included Matt, Dad, Step-mom, 2bit, SS hubby, Marshall bro, Preggers wifey (27 weeks along) and myself. Matt and I flew into Denver which went well, no problems, then on to Cody. The flight was interesting. We had a Cody "native" behind us on the plane talking with his neighbor about hunting. Turns out he had a great mullet to match his stories, no surprise. Our favorite was one about buffalo within Yellowstone national park that went like this:

You know, this time of year you have to be careful because the bison are "rutting" right now. (they're in heat). Two men were that driving through Yellowstone, they came up on a traffic jam created by Buffalo in the road. They were real close to the road, so close that the guy in the passenger seat stuck his arm out the window and patted one on the neck. It reared back and rammed the truck, knocked it off the road, broke the axle and knocked off the tire. I tell you, man, you gotta be careful around them.

Then once the plane landed and we were allowed to use our cell phones, he called his girlfriend and proceeded to ask "What are you wearing?" Seriously, he asked this loudly while the plane is still taxiing down to the gate. Once we got off the plane, into one of the smallest airports I've ever seen, I saw some of the most "interesting" people grouped together in one place. There was a whole herd of mullets and femullets, a woman with a purse made out of a skunk, men with mustaches and beards that emulated Buffalo Bill (or beards circa late 1970s or 1870s), and one guy whose mustache was so long it reached his clavicle--Braided!! Thus was my introduction to Cody, WY. Wowza!!!

Happy Trails to you...

What a waste of space :)

2007-08-28T15:44:00.001-07:00

This morning I was driving to work and, as I got in the car, noticed the song that had been running in my head earlier in the morning was now on the radio at about the point that was cycling in my memory. The next song that came up next was "Let's here it for the boy" from Footloose, which I realized as I drove down the road I know every word. Put this on top of "Bust A Move" by Young MC, all the hymns and songs from 1890 to 1960s I need to know from hospice, and you get just a glimpse into the repertoire that runs through my brain. So sad, so sad. There has to be something better that could take up that space, at least where "Bust A Move" is concerned. If only there were a recycle bin in my brain. I'll bet I could have a significant finding that would benefit mankind if I could simply erase the really unimportant knowledge I possess.

Maybe that's why my dad wants me to try to go on the "Singing Bee." Will I do it? Nah

happy music to you

And so it begins, without me

2007-08-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

Monday is going to be strange for me. This will officially be the first time Fall classes have started at the University and I will not be participating. January didn't feel like this. Maybe it's because I was still working on my paper and felt as though I was taking an independent study. Maybe it had something to do with the second semester; it didn't feel very different. Perhaps it's all been a transition; a slow transition from student to professional, from part-time to full-time. I don't know. All I do know is that my schedule will be the same every day, 7:30-4:30 but without homework, finals, or projects.

I don't think I'm going to miss taking classes, stressing over exams or trying to figure out different professors' ways of teaching, testing, etc. I don't think I'll miss it at all. I feel like it's time I step in a different direction at least for now. I'm still pondering the PhD or perhaps a Fulbright's in my future. My only challenge in remembering what day it is now that everyone's work schedule has changed. Eh, if that's all I have to stress about, I'm doing pretty darn good. :)

peace, love and no homework

"Papa Bear" scares me

2007-08-15T15:50:00.001-07:00

We have an ice cream truck that travels daily through our neighborhood. Like all ice cream trucks I've ever known, it has various musical selections playing over a loudspeaker that sound very much like a calliope. This truck is different from any other truck I've ever heard in the repertoire that is chosen to call children like the Pied Piper. Actually, the music is pretty scary sometimes, especially in terms of flowing from one song to the next.

Allow me to illustrate with a sample of songs played (sometimes in this particular order):

Old MacDonald (not sure how many animals are on the farm)
Jingle Bells (in June, July or August--I guess they keep Christmas year round)
The Yellow Rose of Texas
A Time for Us (from "Romeo and Juliet")--not what I would call a particularly happy song
Happy Birthday (it's someone's birthday every day)
Oh Suzanna

If you catch the flow of it, you'll notice there is no flow and not all of the songs are what I would call "appropriate." There are actually times that I miss the repetitive music of "The Entertainer" without the bridge or ending, brace yourself, that used to play in the 'hood. (Yes, I said it, but only that. And even then that made me crazy because I'd have to sing the next part in my head so I wouldn't go insane.) At least that made a little more sense than random songs played in no specific fashion. I'm waiting for "Laura's Song" from Dr. Zhivago or maybe "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story to be followed by something like "The March to the Gallows." Then the scary music circle would be complete. For now, I'm just perplexed and a little amused by the randomness of music that is believed to attract the small ones like moths to a flame...Oh and the name of the ice cream truck is "Papa Bear."

Ah, good friends

2007-08-09T16:39:00.001-07:00

It's about time for me to write a post that's not grumpy or unhappy in any way. Dinner last night was much fun.

good people+ good food+good drinks=happy fun times

Last night we definitely had all 3. Matt and I met up with some great Oto people. One of my favorite former-Oto people has come to town for a visit, which necessitates an excellent meal full of witicisms and laughter. Mission accomplished. Despite my tendency to wither around 10 o'clock, I was not ready to stop the fun of the evening, especially since mint mojitos were $2.50 after 9. Unfortunately some of the attendees could not stay after the meal, which left me and Matt, Molly and my buddy BTK (who showed up later) to do the damage. Down we headed to the basement/bar area. We enjoyed many fruity beverages and mocked some of the screaming drunk dudes. Now I know that 3 mint mojitos takes me to a higher level of "happiness" that I haven't experienced in quite a while. Yet, by midnight, I was ready to turn into a pumpkin...actually more like a jack-o-lantern by virtue of the perpetual smile, which stayed with me most of the day even when my intellect did not. I forgot how much fun chilling with friends while drinking alcohol can be. Maybe it's because there were equal numbers of men and women and excellent conversation.
Cheers!

Hey, you! Get out of my bubble!

2007-08-08T15:33:00.000-07:00

I think I have a target on me this week. There must be something in the air that says, "Hey, I don't mind you invading my space. C'mon over!" It's not just one day; one day I can handle, but every single day this week (and it's only Wednesday). Monday and Tuesday's invasions were Cambus edition, as is usually the case when you put large quantities of people into a small, moving space. Yet, there are precautions I like to take to keep people out of my bubble, when possible. Monday morning was the worst, so far, with a trifecta of bubble invasion (physical, auditory and olfactory).
There is a woman who rides the bus to work every morning at the same time I do. Somehow she always manages to have her cell phone glued to her head. These conversations are usually regarding horses or tack. While I do my darndest to avoid listening, at that volume, it's hard to miss.
Anyway, back to Monday. It was another day of cell phone glue. With my luck, horselady was on my bus and ended up sitting right beside me. Actually, she sat on part of me and I moved. Then once we were both spacially separated (by an inch), she began bouncing her legs fevershly, shaking my seat. Of course, the cell phone conversation continued. But the third invasion of my bubble, and definitely the worst, is that she smelled like vomit and she was on her way to work. Ewwww. So as soon as that bus stopped, I bolted for the door and could still hear her talking 25 feet behind me.
Tuesday was another bus day. Only this one was partially my fault. I got on the bus that indicated it was going my way. What I failed to notice was that once I got on, the sign was changed and I ended up riding the nearly empty bus the entire opposite route until it looped back to its original position chocked full of International students. While I respect other cultures, the only thing I wish other cultures would respect about America is the use of deodorant on a regular basis. Worse yet, the guy who forced himself into the now very small space between me and another person, forced open his book to read in the now significantly smaller space, smelled of cigarettes. It wasn't recent smoke; no, it was the dingy I've smoked for 30 years scent.
Today's space did not take place on the bus, but in another small, cramped space--the elevator. After a super-fun lunch with BTK and Molly-fabulous, we hopped onto the elevator to head back to work. The next floor we hit caused an influx of about 8 very loud women, followed by a stop on a floor where housekeeping was waiting, but did not get on. One of the VL women made a comment about a lot of mops which resulted in, as BTK put it, a sonic boom of laughter from one particularly loud lady--twice. The next floor, a woman and what I perceived to be her husband carrying a flower. One of the VL ladies commented on the flower; I looked and may have made a polite smile because the man began talking to the other ladies, but reached up and touched my arm. Dude! Do not touch me uninvited! EVER!! Especially if you haven't known me for less than 15 seconds, if you don't know my name, and if I don't initiate any sort of interaction that would prompt you to touch me. NEVER! I freaked out (internally) and waited until we could make our exit. Once I got over the heeby-jeebies, 15 minutes later, rinsed my arms and hands with antibacterial goop, I moved on. But geez, people, stay out of my bubble!

In happy news, I get to hang out with wonderful people tonight for some excellent food (and beverages).

it's been brought

2007-07-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

We got our "damage deposit" back today; not "security deposit" as most places call it, even as our leases called it, but "damage." They kept well over half of it, charging us for things they are completely ridiculous. I'm angry. I'm furious. I have taken quite a while to calm down to the point that my hands have stopped shaking. So, yeah, I might have to sue the landlords. These 2 individuals are the closest for me "hating" someone as I have ever had and, unfortunately, that's a tough competition. I'm going to walk my dog and breathe...a lot!

Big Hair

2007-07-28T14:41:00.001-07:00

I must admit, the hair in most of the pictures doesn't look too big and there aren't any of me, go figure, but I do have a few. Enjoy!

insight into me

2007-07-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

When I was little I loved to watch movies, the happy kind where everything comes out as it should. Growing up, I stuck to movies with those themes. Even Clueless seemed to fit the mold; regardless of challenges everyone ends up happy. Sometimes I still wish my life would be that way. In high school, I was on the homecoming court, but didn't win. I was friends/acquaintances with a lot of people, but never in the "popular" crowd. I dreamt that Matt would proposed in some elaborate planned-out manner, not in his bedroom in his parents house while they sat downstairs unaware. I always believed my Dad would be the steadying force when I got married; instead, he was a source of disappointment. I thought he'd toast me at my wedding, he didn't.

I'm not begrudging my life, the people I know; the ones I love and who love me. I wouldn't give up the friendships I've made and the people who've touched my life for anything, but I think I've always wanted my life to have a Disney moment; that perfect, picturesque scene where birds sing on cue, the sun sets to just the right colors and people break into spontaneous song. I still hope for it, but I know those are the movies. They are created, scripted, shot and re-shot to be perfect. Still, something inside secretly wishes for that, longs for it, knowing it's all make-believe, but wanting the reality. That's what makes them so wonderful; that's what sucks me in a gives me hope that my Disney moment is yet to come.

What a weekend

2007-07-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

I must admit it was so nice to not have to be anywhere this weekend, that I took full advantage of it. Saturday consisted of chores; simple things like vaccuuming, cleaning the floors and countertops, and doing a little bit of shopping for groceries and pieces of felt for my new kitchen chairs. Of course, while I was putting the felt pieces on my chairs, I noticed not one, not two but several scratches in my brand new table. So needless to say, I quickly called the furniture store (politely, mind you) to let them know that I was extremely unhappy that a brand new item was so damaged. The poor/sweet guy that helped me first asked if I was sure they weren't part of the design. Um, when there is scratching across the grain on wood, it's bad plain and simple. So we have a new one coming.
Needless to say, I thought that would be the extent of my excitement for the weekend. Boy was I wrong. My wonderful husband decided he wanted to take me to brunch on Sunday. It was somewhere we hadn't been before, but since it's close, we thought we'd give it a shot. The food looked amazing: omelet station, waffle station, huge table to desserts, and even more food. I was planning on small rations of all the things that looked so appetizing. Matt was all about the BBQ ribs and the waffle station, though he decided to save the waffle for his second trip. While we were eating, I noticed he looked like he was trying to convince himself he could finish the rib he was holding. He polished off his water, asked for mine and began hiccupping. Then I saw the look, the one that means, "I'm gonna be sick." So I grabbed my napkin and we bolted for the bathroom. Only he didn't quite make it there, but managed to not make a mess in the middle of the restaurant. 5 minutes later he's still in the bathroom. My first thought, food poisoning. This isn't good in a busy restaurant with a huge buffet. When we finally got himself together, we went back to the table, but in 2 minutes he was off again and gone for at least 10 more minutes. On this return to the table he said he thought his throat was closing, like he couldn't swallow and then took off for the third time to the bathroom. I immediately started freaking out because now I'm not thinking food poisoning, I'm thinking he's allergic to something he ate. I paid the check, got the car and picked him up at a side door where he proceded to once again vomit. Off to the ER we go. (Who knew the ER would be so busy on a Sunday at 1?) We waited an hour to get a room (the nurse was pretty sure it wasn't an allergy since he was breathing okay), then waited another hour for the doctor. By then, he was completely a-symptomatic, but whatever. When the resident did finally make an appearance, he shared that he thought Matt may have had an esophageal spasm, which are hard to diagnose without a history but not uncommon. So we had to wait a little longer to make sure Matt could eat some crackers and drink some Sprite without problems and then we would be good to go, after the attending signed off. So he ate the crackers and 45 minutes later, the attending showed up, talked with us a little and explained the scenario more and sent us on our way. 3 hours later, we get home, pack Matt's suitcase for camp, buy him a smoothie (he was starving) and send him to his concert.
Not the common Sunday in this household...

peace (and small bites)

weddin' update

2007-07-18T16:04:00.001-07:00

What can I say about Oklahoma except that it was one long drive? I really liked the University though I think ours has more "stuff" immediately around it both for students and the community. Their campus, while equally beautiful, left many fewer options to explore, but the surrounding areas had many more options, especially from chain restaurants and stores.
Thursday night we rolled into town around 6:30, dropped of Megan at a friends house and headed over to a location that causes me to have queasy memories from childhood, Chuck E Cheese. We got to meet some of the other bmaids and Matt had a super time playing skeeball. He finished off the night at 550 tickets (well, between the 2 of us, I shared) and used them to get toys for everyone in the wedding party. The toy, which he selected before beginning his quest for tickets, was a small ring version of mits used to catch velcro-covered tennis balls and actually turned out to be harder than the larger version.
Friday, we went shopping and found outfits for the rehearsal dinner and all around fun stuff. Matt even bumped into TC at the CVS pharmacy when he went to get me a curling iron. The rehearsal was long, longer than anyone (including the bride) expected. Basically, the preacher went through the entire set of vows and had Lucas and Erin repeat them, which meant that basically they were married because they even kissed at the end. The only missing part was the rings and, since they're technically a symbol and they did that vows part anyway, they were married before the night was over. The rehearsal dinner was barbecue, but it was attached to a gas station. It made the statement of "Eat Here, Get Gas" have a whole new meaning. So because of Matt's encounter earlier in the evening, we got a chance to hang out with TC and her husband for a little while, which was awesome since I hadn't seen her smiling face in several months. Good times...
Saturday, oh Saturday can be summed up in 2 words: Big Hair. My hair appointment was the first of the day, 8:30 am. I arrived early, per my usual habits, and began the hairspray, back combing, more hairspray followed by hairpins and other methods of torture by hairstyling. When it was finished, I felt very "Steel Magnolias," but with my sunglasses I was Katherine Hepburn circa 1960...At least mine wasn't the biggest of everyone's and a little better than the "prom hair" some of the girls wore. All in all, the wedding was beautiful and long. Lothar gave a toast at the second reception that was very good, actually better than I expected from him. Then we hung out with Lucas's fam for a few hours and shared stories about him. All was good save Lucas's dad in pajama pants and no shirt (not the prettiest sight I've ever seen).
Now there's only one wedding left to go, Friday night, then I'm hoping our life will return to normal, well, as normal as they can be.

UPDATE: You ask for it, you get it. BIG HAIR!
More pics to come

On the road again...

2007-07-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we head out to Oklahoma, which causes the theme song to the musical "Oklahoma" to run through my head with visions of Steve Martin running around with an eye-patch banging on a pot while screaming "Oklahoma" over and over again (If you're clueless, you must watch Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.) This trip will be for wedding #5, bridesmaids dress #3. I am a little excited to get out of town. Even though 2bit's wedding was just a little over a month ago, it feels like forever. I'm hoping the trip to OK will be enough of a break for me. At least I know my only task is to bring something "borrowed" so i've packed 2 pairs of earrings, a necklace and my tussymussy. I'll probably bring other things just in case, but I'm pretty sure one of the pairs of earrings will be the winner. Oh, and this wedding will be HUGE. By huge I mean there are 7 attendants for the bride and 7 for the groom, it's being held in one of the largest churches in OK, and the whole church was invited. Not to mention, Lucas has the boys doing a tbone quartet and when I asked if they would be playing from the balcony (as they did for mine), he said "no, they'll be seating people there, too." HOLY CRAP!
We're also going to have a fellow wedding attendant riding down with us. I think it'll be a good time. I've not spent too much time in conversation with her; mostly our interaction has been that of cordial conversation. I'm just hoping we have stuff to talk about without the uncomfortable silence for 10 hours. Yikes! At least we'll have Mad Libs and snacks, that should cover about 20 minutes or so. Oh, and Matt's going to install his XM radio in my car. That's right, MY car. Teehee! He's got the CD changer in his, it's only right my car gets some extra attention.
Oh well, enough mindless ramblings. I'm off to Oklahoma, OK-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklaho-ma!

Happy fourth o' July

2007-07-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful day! I have to admit I did absolutely nothing today, maybe even less than nothing. First, I slept 2 hours longer than my normal waking time (ahhhh), then I helped Matt put together our new patio furniture. Okay, so maybe I was a little bit productive. I also installed the bracket for our flag. I've always wanted to have a flag on my house. I wanted one when we lived in the ghetto, but I was pretty sure it wouldn't stay there very long. The rest of the day was spent doing something I have missed terribly--reading for the fun of it. Granted, it was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but it had nothing to do with anything I can apply in my daily life so I thoroughly enjoyed it. I also spent about an hour or more playing with Carter, the 3-year-old who lives behind us. He had a very cool plastic swimming pool and slide and loved showing me how it worked.
Matt took off early for his gig in CR, which I found out after he left would be choreographed to fireworks in the area. Unfortunately for me, I decided sitting on the back porch a little longer was a good idea. I enjoy being able to sit outside without hearing vulgarities and thumping. Tammy and Brad even invited me down to the park with them to watch the fireworks, but I declined because of sweet Sydne and her fear of things that go "boom."
I only made it back in the house at 10 'til 9, turned on CBS and realized they were televising the whole concert. Man! But, I got to see the last piece, Stars and Stripes Forever. It's one of my favorite marches, but the piccolo solo (or should I say piccolos solo--there were 5) was horribly out of tune...horribly. I am going to blame that on the heat and timing. After all, pitch changes dramatically in varying temperatures and over time, so let's hope they tried to adjust the pitch, but went in the wrong direction. The best part occurred closer to the beginning of the piece, when a camera came into focus right on the Tbone section, with my sweet honey's face in the middle of the screen. It was awesome to see him playing, which made me feel guilty I'd miss the earlier pieces. Almost immediately the phone rang; it was Ken asking me if I was watching. He and Lisa had just turned it on about the same time I had and they wanted to make sure I didn't miss it. We preceded to laugh together and then hopped off the phone to enjoy the rest of the piece and watch fervently in hopes of seeing him play again. Alas, it did not happen, but I'm glad I got that shot.
Tomorrow is back to the grind, but I get to play with the kiddos again. I am determined to get my paper in better form, too. Afterall, the plan was to have it our before Memorial Day. Yes, I realize that was over a month ago, but that's what happens when you keep adding analyses of the data. Have I mentioned research rules?

I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

2007-07-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, I starting loving the new neighborhood even more. We woke up, looked out the bedroom window and there, walking down the street, was a doe. She was just walking very nonchalantly on the other side of the street. Of course, once Sydne saw her, she started growling and ran downstairs, which resulted in the pretty little deer jogging back in the direction from which she came.

If that wasn't cool enough, a few hours later, I looked out our back window and, sitting at the edge of my neighbor's driveway, was a beautiful redheaded hawk. Of course, the robins and chickadees weren't as happy to see them as I was, though it was fun to watch them dive-bomb him to chase him off. Of course, my compulsion to take a picture resulted in the hawk taking off to the light post across the street. He stayed there a little longer then decided to head west, with a trail of birds attacking him as he flew. Apparently, robins can be bullies.

chillin' solo

2007-06-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little lonely tonight. Matt's off at a bachelor party and I'm just sitting at home waiting for the call to be the DD.
Sydne and I walked around the block so we could get out of the house. She got to meet the kiddos next door. Both were completely infatuated with her and she loved every minute of it. But now I'm back home; I'm back to watching TV and wishing I had something better to do. It's a little sad when I start reflecting and realizing I only really have about 2 people I can hang out with (besides Matt) and, while I love them both, I know they don't want to spend their free time with someone whose life is so terribly exciting. Maybe that's why I've gotten so big into mundane, repetitive things like cross-stitch; it takes up time and I can do it alone. But for tonight, it's a girls night. I already watched Center Stage so I guess the rest of the night will be chick flicks and TLC shows...

Bring it on "bee-ches"

2007-06-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

So yesterday there was this feeling, a feeling of relief (now I'm having "Pee in the Woods" running through my head--it's a song. No I didn't write it). We got the couch out of the basement and, despite Stuff and Goodwill both turning it down (yes, both stores are obviously on crack. It's a good couch!), we put it on the street to find a new home, albeit a ghetto home. *attention, the rest of this post is a rant, an ordinal, ranking rant (yes, ordinal and ranking)*

Anyway, this morning I put the keys in a card and provided the landlords with the new address so they can send us our money. Well, while Matt was in the shower, and I already at work, She-landlord called and left a message that they wanted to know what the status of the house was, the couch, when we could do a 'walk through' and that the lawn needed to be mowed "like it was when (we) moved in." First off, yes, they were in our old place yesterday before we ever gave them keys or anything so that's how they knew to mention the couch. Second, we have never had to do a walk-through before and have always gotten our deposit back. Third, when we moved in, someone was already living next door and they mowed the lawn. It was not and I repeat NOT mowed in celebration of our entry into that piece of crap property! Matt, recognizing that I am the more diplomatic of the two of us (don't know where he gets that from) asked if I wouldn't return her call since, on the message, She-landlord addressed it to me. I returned the call, but He-landlord answered the phone. I told him the couch was out, the keys were on their way to their home, that we did not have time to do a 'walk through' and that the lawnmower had been moved to our new home and we had no way of taking it back to the ghetto. His response, "so the grass will be long." (Um, yeah.) My response "I have no way of getting it cut." So he said, "well, alright, we'll take a look and get back to you."

Okay, so first things first....They suck as landlords and, by my guess, as people in general. Second, what the frickin' deuce?! The people that are moving into our place won't be here until August and I'm pretty tootin' sure that the grass will have grown by then. Third, the grass cutting was not on our move-out checklist, which in itself was pretty ridiculous. Fourth, the checklist is not listed in our lease and neither is the walk-through. So while I am glad to be done with them and hope to never have to see them ever, ever, ever, again, I secretly hope they do something stupid so that I (with Tenant Landlord Act in hand) can give them a legal F&*K YOU! (Teehee)

Ahhhhhhhh

2007-06-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

That's the sound of freedom, folks. Freedom from evil, crooked landlords who believe they have the right to do what they want; landlords who don't hold up their end of the bargain but fully expect their tenants to do theirs.

Tomorrow is a happy day. First, it's Friday. Second, it is the day before the birthday of one of our ladies at work, one of our wonderful ladies at work, which means lots of yummy treats will descend upon her. I just ordered a dozen of the most delicious muffins to take in. I feel bad for not cooking, but I just got home (and it's 9:35 pm) after getting the couch out of the ghetto. That ended up being more of a feat than I ever thought it would. Funny how the phrase "taking the door off the hinges" means something entirely different to Matt than it does to me. In my mind, it means taking the pins out of the hinges; to Matt it means unscrewing the hinges from the frame of the door. Guess which one takes longer... :) It was a bonus because Meganne's Matt and E-flat came to help. Meganne's Matt helped me rehang the door and E-flat helped get the ole' couch out of the basement.
I have to admit that E-flat is a loyal friend. He's the type of person that drops whatever he's doing to lend his truck, muscles and insights into moving furniture. His only flaw is that he can be a "hellicopter friend." (a phrase I got from Molly) That means, he tends to hover frequently. In our case, he calls to see if Matt will play Texas Hold'em, Risk, Basketball, and other obscure games. At times, it's super-fun, but most times he calls on days where we want to lay low and hang out together. So Matt's off to hang out with E-flat and the gang; his payment for the assistance in moving. I have several acts of contrition to do for Meganne's Matt. Word to the wise, it's not a good idea to swear in front of a pastor (current or future), especially in German, when he's Lutheran. Ooops, double-oops, and triple-oops.
I'm betting I'll sleep well tonight. :)
-peace, love and health

Almost done...

2007-06-27T18:11:00.001-07:00

One of my friends from work, who lives near the 'hood apartment, asekd me today if she lived in the ghetto. She felt she lived about 5 blocks away from the edge of the ghetto, an approximation with which I concur, but it made me think and somehow I was able to quantify whether or not she lives in the hood. Granted, I had to paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy (which scares me just a little), but here's what I came up with:

If your street (and neighboring streets) appear on the Daily Activity Log of the Police at least 5 times or more per week, you live in the ghetto.

So to make sure this was an appropriate assessment, I went through the blotter for the last few days and, sure enough, there is at least one listing per day of my former street. And I thought 5 was a high number.

I hate spyware!

2007-06-26T15:42:00.001-07:00

Somehow, I have managed never to have an ugly virus or spyware enter my computer over the last 7 years of owning my own. Yet, somehow, this weekend was the end of my lucky run. (Notice I am not blaming this on Matt. I seriously think it's my fault) Sometime on Sunday, I was noodling around and came across a warning and then noticed not one, but two programs were downloaded to my computer. I looked at the User Agreement for the first and stopped reading after the first sentence, which basically said, "By downloading this software, you agree to let us track the websites you visit and provide pop-up windows in related areas." I'm sorry, but who in the hell wants pop-ups on their computer? Isn't that why there is a specific tool in every internet search engine that blocks pop-ups? So, I immediately uninstalled that piece of garbage (when I probably should have deleted it outright) and ran SpyBot (which I love), which was fairly sucessful but couldn't get rid of 3 programs that it found. With a bit of grumbling here and there, I went to work and asked Brian to recommend some software that would knock it out. He gave me a disk he said he trusted, which I installed and ran between the chiropractor and massage. It also found lots of crap, but still I got those stupid, freakin' pop-ups.
Today my computer got to go on a field trip....to work. Again, Brian tried his magic, downloading lots of spyware killers, but to no avail. So it looks like next week, while working around July 4 vacation (um, yippee), I will be completely rebuilding my poor little laptop to try to rid it of the nasty infiltrating spyware. Not to mention, I will owe Brian big time, maybe a few good steaks will do.
If only there were a way to make spyware harrass the crap only out of those people who create it. I just keep remembering karma will get them...one day.

If I'm not even, does that mean I'm odd?

2007-06-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

That's what Dr G asked me when I told her I was off to the chiropractor to get "evened-out." For the past 2 days my left and right shoulders have not been level, not even close with the left shoulder a good 2 inches higher than the right. My only thought as to why I was off kilter is the numerous Cinderall moments during the vicious cleaning in the ghetto. So this morning, with 800 mg of Ibuprofen already underway, I headed off to work. At 10 I started counting down the time until I could redose (with 3 hours remaining). So I made 2 appointments; one with a chiropractor and another with a masseuse. The chiropractor was good, I got all evened out with a few snaps, crackles, pops and groans. Then I had to wait for 5 hours for the massage. It was a visit, well worth the wait and now I feel like Jell-o, but in a good way.

The girl that gave me my massage was someone I hadn't met before, but I instantly liked her. I realized tonight that although my life is far from exciting, I have lived in places and had experiences that give me some great stories. After all, how many people can say they've been to Mayberry (yes, Andy Griffith land)? So I had a great time talking about not only the crazy people in the ghetto, but also other people I have known and experiences I have had. So I think in these last few days of any connection to the ghetto, I'll have to reflect on the crazy (and not so crazy) people I've encountered over the last 3 years. From Mohawk Man to the kids up the street, there should be some good fodder for someone's pen.

It's been a hard day's night...

2007-06-23T18:54:00.001-07:00

and I've been working like a dog...
Today I spent over 5 hours cleaning and it wasn't even the new place; it was the ghetto. We received a ridiculously detailed list to clean from the Landlords which includes washing the windows inside and out. Um, there are screens on the windows and no way to remove them to wash the outside. Plus, I'm pretty sure that has never happened. Still, I did a lot of work. We vacuumed every room, edges of the room, baseboards, registers and then there was the kitchen. I rinsed out the cabinets, cleaned the top of the stove, cleaned under the lid of the stove including the underside of the lid. The oven was my biggest challenge (and only injury--I burned my pinky) as there was something crusted on the bottom that I scrubbed off. Then I cleaned the refrigerator, which now looks like brand new. I finished by getting on my hands and knees and scrubbing the floor with a brush about six inches long and 2-1/2 inches wide. Needless to say, I didn't get it all done, but you can tell where I stopped. So tomorrow I envision myself cleaning the rest of the kitchen floor and completing some of the requests (Who ever asks tenants to wash/wipe down doors?) It looks like the rest of the night will consist of a long shower, curling up with a blanket and Ibuprofen, lots of it. Bet I sleep well tonight.
peace and love

crooked, crooked landlords

2007-06-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

We have 6 days until we have to officially turn over our keys to the ghetto abode, but I am hoping to make it sooner. The past few weeks Ken and Lisa have shared their saga of the "Security Deposit" and given me even more insight into recognizing what conniving people our former landlords are. Monday I went over to try to do some cleaning and get more stuff out of the place. I knew Mr. Landlord had been in to install additional smoke detectors (he asked Matt about it), but the first thing I noticed once I walked in was the lighted ceiling fan attached to the living room ceiling, a new addition to a room that previously had no lighting. So I cleaned the bathroom floor, scrubbing around the base and washed the baseboards. This morning (after all the rain), we got a call from Mrs. Landlord (who I'd rather give a much less flattering name) saying that because of the rain, Mr Landlord might be in the property to check on flooding in the basement, because other places were having problems. Matt dropped me off at work and headed over to do some cleaning and get the last few things out. When he got there every door in our apartment was unlocked and open. The screen door on the side of our house was not even latched and no one was around; no minivan, no truck, no Mr. or Mrs. Landlord! (Some of the items still in the house included Matt's computer) Matt called me because he was so very, very mad that he knew he would say something inappropriate if he called, so I did it. I called and ended up talking with their daughter who said she would pass on the message and have them call Matt; no one ever did.
THEN I got a call from Lisa. After giving Mr./Mrs. Landlord a significant hard time about the 30 days (that ended yesterday), she got her security deposit back minus the carpet-cleaning fee. That, I was happy about. Then I got an additional tidbit of information about Mrs. Landlord, she conveyed to Lisa that she wasn't worried about having to do work on the apartment after they moved out, but said she thought she would have to do "a lot of work" on our place. What the hell?! Nothing like getting slammed by a lying, cheating, stealing slumlord.
So needless to say, I was tempted to leave the place in as horrible a condition as I could, so she wouldn't be disappointed, but I think I am going to clean it up, take a crapload of pictures and sue the holy hell out of them if they try to keep any of my money. But unlike Ken and Lisa, I am not going to let them know about my knowledge (or possession) of the Tenant Landlord Act. I'll let them dig their own graves. They've done a pretty good job of screwing themselves my moving crap into their other places. They're not keeping my honest money.
Now to sell the downstairs couch...

update for the week

2007-06-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week. Lots of things to do, but nothing terribly important. So here's the update

Monday
I worked all day. Then Molly came over afterwards to do laundry and hang with a bottle of yummy wine (mmm, wine). It was super fun, except that I fell asleep on the floor (I'm so cool).

Tuesday
"Murphy's Law"Day--Got to work early and had a voicemail (which never bodes well). Alyssa was sick, dizzy, bad stuff so she wouldn't be able to come to work much less help with the MT session. On top of that Soomie was getting her wisdom teeth removed and Megs was being a camp counselor. (No problem, I can handle that, right? Right) Then I got an email from the student leaders of the group saying the theme for the session had changed from "Transportation" to "Bugs" and the session is only 3 hours away. So the hubby scored massive brownie points when I called saying "I'm sending you pictures of bugs, please print them out and bring them to me along with construction paper." No only did he do this, but he printed them on photo paper because it was clearer and called to see if I wanted them laminated (which he did) and bought me a whole packet of construction paper when he couldn't find the stuff we already packed. Luckily, the session turned out very well and got great responses from all the staff.
After work was more furniture shopping, still no luck but looking. I did get a new pedometer interested to see how many of my 10,000 steps I get each day.

Wednesday
Nothing terribly exciting, just work. I went to Target after work to find some more "bug" items for the kiddie's group on Thursday morning and had to stop myself from over-shopping. It was getting to be a lot of fun.

Thursday
Kiddie session went okay. There were a few places I could have changed things that just came to a screeching halt. I think giving the kids more of an opportunity to move would have helped, after all they are 3 years old. I also got my data back regarding part of my study and the results came back just as I had hoped it would. After work, hubby and I had dinner with a group of people from school and then watched Rocky Balboa. Now, I'm not a huge Rocky fan. I usually watch them to be with hubby, but for some reason, I really liked this one. I mean, a Sly Stallone movie actually made me feel something other than sympathetic pain (ala broken bone), an emotional response. That was followed by a night of attempting to sleep through very loud claps of thunder and a terrified puppy. Oh, and my brilliant sister is now a PAC. Way to go, 2bit!

Friday
First, yay for Friday. The day was very lacking in things to do (no patients, no files to score, no data to enter), but I worked on the paper. I desperately want it to be done, submitted and either accepted or rejected, but done nonetheless. Lunch today was my favorite, sushi, with the lovely Jana. We had a great time talking and chatting about anything and everything. After lunch, nothing was accomplish, but good times with good people. I tried to work on my paper some more, but spent the majority of the afternoon chatting with everyone else who stopped by my office.

The weekend looks like thunderstorms, but I hope I'll get a chance to sleep.